Batwoman is back!! The hero you have missed since 1979 is finally returning to DC Comics. She’s tall, dressed in black … and she’s a lesbian.

Yes, a lesbian. Apparently there is some controversy in this but I can tell you aging scientists aren’t exactly against the idea. A 5′10″ girl wearing a skin-tight leather bat suit and confused about her sexuality? My Bat-A-Rang is ready to be thrown to the nearest comic book shop.

You may not know this, but I am something of a Batwoman expert. Let’s face it, anyone with this movie poster in his bedroom and a picture of his chick dressed like so on his nightstand is into Batwoman:

(more…)

And no, I am not just some crazy guy standing on the street corner saying it. I know it must be true because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby and they have decided it must be so.

This young girl ( a girl for a Messiah - how progressive ) is named Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Now, I have read the Old Testament. Still, I felt I needed to look it up just the same because a man of advancing years can’t rely on great physique, good lucks and charm forever. Sometimes he needs facts and the only place to go for facts on the Old Testament is the Jews, since they wrote it. Sure as I am sitting here Shiloh still means Messiah. And Nouvel means new, at least if you make up your own spellings the way celebrities can.

So there you have it; New Messiah Jolie Pitt. Sleep easy, people. The genetically perfect creation of Pitt and Jolie was already going to have a God complex. Now she has a reason. She actually is God. I hope she likes science. Sorry about that global warming thing.

Still my favorite quote on this subject: “Remember how Scrooge McDuck used to sit on huge piles of money and laugh? That’s this kid, except instead of money, it’s genes.”

If by female empowerment you mean dressing like a tramp and doing what you can to be objectified by men, then the Pussycat Dolls are the perfect role model for your 6-year old. And Hasbro agreed and had those dolls ready to ship with a marketing blitz to youngsters on the way until a letter writing campaign by Brooklyn mom Lisa Flythe caused them to cancel the product line. Shame too. Scientists were looking forward to a whole generation of these Pussycat-Doll-educated girls coming of age in 2018.

Thanks for nothing, soccer moms. Next you’ll be expecting your daughters to make it in this world based on their intellects.

Just because I have a Nobel Prize in Awesome doesn’t mean I can’t admit when I have made a mistake. What mistake could I possibly have made, you wonder?

I will tell you; Nick Lachey. Now, people who have known me a long time know two things that I know I know;

First, and foremost, is that you never cut a bi*ch too loose - but that is relationship advice for another day.

Second, and almost equally important, is that Nick Lachey is an idiot. Let’s face it, Jessica Simpson is hot, she’s rich, she sings, and she pretty much saved herself for him. And, in return for all that, he spent a lot of time crying and being sensitive and the only kinky thing he could find to do with this girl was wear her shoes.

Okay, so I have changed my mind about the second of those two things. I now do respect Nick Lachey. I didn’t have much interest in them as a couple but that’s mostly because I thought Nick and Jessica’s Christmas Special was the longest Old Navy commercial EVER - and I hate even short Old Navy commercials. I mistakenly thought he was the weak link. But look at his life since he got dumped. He is going to get half of her money and he has parleyed his heartbreak into fending off wave after wave of hot chicks trying to make him feel better. This kid’s life is friggin’ CandyLand, only with hot chicks instead of candy.

So, to help me keep track of all his chicks, I have invented Nick Lachey’s CandyLand Game. More after this incredibly large, yet completely essential, graphic ( click on it to see full size):

Okay, so maybe being sensitive is the way to go here. Hey, I am sensitive too, people. I have cried - twice. Once, at the end of Ole Yeller when he dies, and once when my chick yelled at me for sleeping with her mother. But I eventually forgave her for yelling at me. So I am sensitive and I can let go of the hurt.

I am sure there are vast tracts of America where being gay is still controversial, but I live in California. Want to be controversial here? Be a Republican. So Teri Hatcher making an allusion to the notion that the host of American Idol is gay isn’t a surprise to me, much less a big deal. Why not a surprise? Dude buys his shirts from Baby Gap, that’s why:

Seriously, I have never seen a heterosexual man wear such tight shirts. Even me. And we all know what an attention whore scientists are.

So Hatcher appeared on whatever show David Letterman hosts and, earlier, Dave had on some gag gifts to throw to moms for Mother’s Day. One of those was a diamond-encrusted “I’m Gay” thingie as a gift idea. I know. Ha ha. That Letterman’s still got it.

Letterman inquired about the ‘break-up’ with Seacrest. Teri has discussed this over and over and she has said the relationship pretty much consisted of one date and then he called her and said they couldn’t see each other any more. But to Letterman she responded;

“I didn’t think he was my type.”

Letterman asked, “Whose type do you think he is?”

Hatcher answered, “I think there was a Mother’s Day gift that he should buy,” obviously referencing the “I’m Gay” whatzit.

What I don’t understand is how he was able to escape her gaze at all, much less break up with her. Most men are turned to stone when they look in her eyes, because she is clearly wearing the Head of Medusa on her neck: