I am not just being flippant - either she truly doesn’t know what it means or she found a journalist as dumb as she is. I guess there’s even money on that one.

“I’m not having sex for a year. … I’ll kiss, but nothing else,” says Hilton who, when not being confused about the difference between celibate and chaste also stated to the British edition of GQ magazine that she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime.

Let’s give her a break on that one. I know that most women who have only had sex with two men happen to have videotaped the affairs and thrown them on the internet.

She went on to say she is “very shy” - which is why every picture you see of Paris Hilton involves her drunk and dancing on tables at 2AM:

I would post more pictures but I figure if you really want to see someone who looks like a cartoon cricket of questionable gender, you can just rent Pinocchio.

Ozzie Osbourne was not home when Satan came to collect - you didn’t think his puzzling success for 3.5 decades had to do with musical ability, did you? Luckily, Ozzie’s brain is so addled even he didn’t know where he was so Satan missed him and burned down his mansion instead.

Satan is scary. So scary, in fact, that some girls get their tops scared right off of them. Look for my video, “Girls So Scared Their Tops Come Right Off Of Them” in September, 2006.

Naturally, when the video comes out, they will lie to their future boyfriends about being in it. Just like lots of people who claim to be virgins lie about having sex. Generally, scientists are okay with lying - but only when we’re the ones doing it.

Speaking of lying, I have a complaint. Most of you lie about how much you like scientists. How do I know? Because this list of the 50 most popular science blogs does not include mine. Get thee to thy templates and place a link to me, people. Science needs more humor and 43 of the 50 on this list are about environmental junk science - B.O.R.I.N.G. You can Blogroll me also. But Technorati seems to be biased toward links. Bastards.

What am I excited about this weekend? I ordered two sets of soy-sauce-dispensing chopsticks. Because chicks dig gadgets. And I won’t dig cleaning dishes after I dropped $50 on sushi for a chick I met this week on Myspace. Her name is Natalia, which happens to be the same name these girls use to rob guys they meet on Myspace, but I bet that’s just coincidence. I hope she doesn’t turn out to be 15, like the last one. Again with the lying on the internet. Don’t these people read my blog?

In a few days we bid farewell to the World Cup. So no more women who dress like this:

The World Cup hasn’t been the big bonanza for brothels they thought it would be. That’s because the brothels have mostly German women, of course. And no one can understand these signs:

Finally, fellow scientists have discovered a mystery object in the heart of a supernova. Know what it is? It’s L-O-V-E, people. So share the love. You can start with me - by putting me in the top 50 science blogs.

Ashlee Simpson won’t get naked, even for $4 million - and, you have to admit, after her excellent new prosthetic face, she looks almost human, so she might be worth seeing naked:

Meanwhile, Britney Spears won’t put on clothes:

How much do we have to pay for her to stop getting naked?

Finally, after her new prosthetic mouth, Hilary Duff looks less like a duck and more like a horse:

So it’s a good day for science and chicks - if you are on The Island of Doctor Moreau, that is. What’s the over-under on teeth lost in a cage match between Hilary Duff and Ashlee Simpson anyway? I bet I am taking the Over.

This study says Americans have fewer close friends than they did 20 years ago. Now, sure, you’re thinking ‘hey, people move around a lot more than they used to so it makes sense you wouldn’t have as many close friends you see often’ which is what the study measured, but I have a different theory:

People just don’t like you.

Let’s face it, if you’re reading this blog you’re probably taking a break from watching Carmen Electra’s Strip Aerobics, you’ve exceeded your ISPs bandwidth limit for downloading porn or you’ve already disappointed more fat women than Jenny Craig and are out of dating options.*

Plus, with the rise of the internet you can always find someone somewhere in the world who digs your schtick so actually being liked in real life isn’t as important. Or, if you’re me, you’re here because you’re sick of people liking you so you have to be a little edgey online. I swear, if I get one more set of supermodels knocking on my door to have orgies of unprotected sex, I am climbing the water tower with a rifle.

It could be worse. If you’ve never been on a train in Japan you just don’t know crowded isolation. Everyone in Japan is packed in like sardines and they’re all on their cell phones text messaging people somewhere else instead of talking to each other. Heck, I talked this girl into shaving her legs on a train in Japan and people barely noticed.

Come to think of it, that was a pretty good practical joke. I just didn’t realize until now I was doing anthropological science at the same time. Click on the pic below and see science at work for yourself:

*Or, of course, you just dig funny scientists. In which case, thanks.

I know, I know, you’re wondering if you’re at the wrong website. No, this time I mean it. Take the Mona Lisa, for example. Why is the Mona Lisa popular hundreds of years after it was created? Because it harkens back to a simpler, easier time when women smiled a lot and kept their traps shut. But, no, you knew someone would screw that up and leave it to Japanese scientists to figure out how. In case you don’t like peace and quiet in your art, find out what she would sound like here.

Since I am blasting interfering Japanese engineers, let’s kick around American web designers too. If this isn’t the worst commercial website I have ever seen, you all have to call me Emperor of Rome from now on. All I wanted was a new pair of kicks. I shouldn’t even put a link to them lest they think they are doing something right but you have to see this for yourselves. If these Puma guys make shoes as bad as their website, Reebok stock is the lock pick of the 21st century.

Nick Lachey has yet another chick. I have gone from abject ridicule of this guy because he cried a lot and thought wearing her shoes was all the kink Jessica Simpson wanted to grudging respect to downright friggin’ admiration. I guess it’s time to update Nick Lachey’s CandyLand game.

Need proof Nicole Kidman is not dating me? You know she can’t be because she says ‘no’ to sex. She was married to Tom Cruise for 10 years so a few more weeks without sex is no big deal for her but I bet Keith Urban doesn’t like it. Unfortunately for him I was not her rebound relationship.

Finally, I wanted to let you know I have decided to pursue a new career: manny. Not for Britney Spears, of course, but since Adriana Lima sweetened her offer considerably, I will think about it: