Groundbreaking - and heartwarmingly unessential - research done by University of Central Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou has attempted to confirm what a generation of suicide girls has always feared - that vampires do not exist.

His reasoning? On Jan 1, 1600, the human population was just over 530 million people. If one vampire existed on that day and bit one person per month, and then each new vampire also bit one person per month, by 1605 the entire planet would be nothing except vampires.

Now, I am okay with there being no vampires, though I think the world would be poorer without that cinema classic, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

And, without vampires, I would not be able to spend 4 seconds scouring the internet and find pictures like this:

So we can’t just let someone claim they have wiped out a millenium of folklore by doing simple ( very simple ) math. First, let’s deal with the premise behind his numbers. Professor Efthimiou’s research assumes that each vampire bite results in another vampire being created. People, if there’s one thing I know, it’s vampires ( and Thai transvestites, but hey, that is a post for another time ) and I need only point you to the definitive work on the matter, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, to state unequivocally that vampires don’t always create more vampires. They only create vampires out of people they really like, or who have waistlines like Vampira:

Yes, she looks as all women should look; like a sexy, zombie skeleton.

Additionally, back in 2000, in the British series Ultraviolet, it was clarified that vampires wouldn’t feed themselves to extinction any more than we would keep on killing buffalo until they were almost gone.

This was on TV, people. If you can’t believe what you see on TV, I can’t reason with you.

Professor Efthimiou’s simple and surprisingly jingoistic math and logic errors mean that there is still at least some statistical chance that vampires could exist. However, there is also some statistical chance I am a Chinese jet pilot. Yet, since the chance exists that vampires are roaming the earth, it can’t hurt to have a vampire slayer handy.

Everyone goes for Buffy. I’d rather have a little Faith.

Science Helps You Plan Your Weekend

Here Are Your Options:

1. Die In A Cocaine-Fueled Orgy Of Gayness

Just hang out with German nobility. A gay guy in Germany jumping from a balcony while hopped up on drugs during an orgy barely made the news in the U.S., because it is so unsurprising. Cocaine and gay orgies in a party thrown by a German Count? Next we’ll hear they pissed on each other. Yeah. Big shock.

2. Work For World Peace

Use trial and error to act out your favorite scenarios for making the world a happy place. Since you don’t want to spend money on real dictators, use puppets. No one’s afraid of puppets … even puppets with nuclear bombs.

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This study says that TV in the bedroom cuts the sex life in half. Now, this is an Italian study so maybe that skews the results. Italian men only want to have sex with someone else’s wife. And Italian women? Don’t get me started. If I had to have sex with Italian women, my sex life would be cut in half too. Unless it is Monica Bellucci. And then it would be something like 8X.

But it seems to make sense. No TV equals fewer distractions and more boredom - scientists inherently understand this important correlation. So hidden cameras, yes. TVs, no.

Science Detemines The Discovery Channel Is Bad For Your Relationships

Nothing brings a couple together like science programming … you’d think. Not necessarily, my friends. Sure, it sounds like gold. What healthy, educated man and woman wouldn’t want to enjoy scientific programming together, right?

The scientific programming I am talking about is the 100 Greatest Discoveries that originally aired on the Discovery Channel … or the Science Channel … I am not sure. I was just happy that the Discovery Channel had some programming that had nothing to do with loud, fat men building motorcycles. Maybe that’s why they created the Science Channel - to have a place to air programming that had science. Kind of like MTV having to create MTV2 to show actual music videos. Now, I am not criticizing MTV. There’s no way I could have been smart enough to create “Rock & Jock Softball.”

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If I hear one more thing about Pluto … well, never mind that. “Astro”-physicists have officially replaced mathematicians as the favorite toilet monkeys of real scientists everywhere. Why? Because when something is proven in math, it stays proven. Same way with physics. It doesn’t matter how many weeks the International Astronomers Union meets that apple still fell on Isaac Newton’s head and it will fall on yours too. Committee meetings and compromises can’t change gravity.

Take this quote from Becky Lomax when asked by her kids why there are only 8 planets now; “We just did the solar system last year,” she said. “I guess we have to revisit it.”

No, the last thing you should do is revisit anything. You are just encouraging these numbskulls. Even 6-year-old David Lieberman of Bethesda knew these sub-literate sock monkeys were out of their gourds. “It has to be considered a planet because it circles the sun,” he said. “Pluto’s not even the farthest planet.” Sometimes, he has learned, Neptune and Pluto switch places.

And he’s SIX, people.