“What is a supermodel?” People sometimes ask me. It has a few definitions and sometimes people argue over them, much the way Heidi Klum and Elle MacPherson fight over who is called “The Body.” *

If you’re reading this site, you know that a supermodel is an aspect of complexity science that incorporates multiple variables to try and spit out the best solution.

Ha Ha Ha.

Okay, supermodels can also be really hot chicks blessed with the combination of low self-esteem and jaw-droppingly loose morals that allow them to easily be tricked into deviant sex. Just this once we get to discuss both. And by both, I mean just the hot chicks.

So what makes a supermodel super? Like many important things in life, we can look back in time and see if history gives us an answer and saves us some effort. For centuries mathematicans have been intrigued by the “Golden Ratio” because it appears so often in geometry. Is a “golden ratio” something German eurotrash does because they are bored with their sex lives? No, it is a ratio that is the midpoint between asymmetry and symmetry. Defined it is when “the whole is to the larger as the larger is to the smaller”.

In numerical terms, it is 1.618.

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Science can’t prove everything. We can’t prove Evolution, for example, and we can’t prove that light is a wave and not a particle or that light is a particle and not a wave or … well, we can’t prove most anything about light.

But science can prove some things.

We have proven that all women are hotter as blondes.

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I know The Next Generation had its day in the sun but anyone - and I will brook no argument on this matter - who contends that the original is not the greatest sci-fi series of all time instantly loses their nerd cred around here.

So if you are a TNG nerd - no, wait, if you can name more than three characters on any one of the later spin-offs - here is your chance for redemption. Episodes of the original Star Trek are being digitally remastered and will be heading into syndication again in honor of its 40th anniversary.

Since you’re all scientists you know that “digital remastering” means pretty much anything you want it to mean, like “smurf” does to smurfs or “celibate” does to Paris Hilton. The folks doing the work want to assure you there won’t be wholesale bastardization, like that guy G–rge L-c-s ( name omitted so he doesn’t appear in a column of brimstone and fire and suck my soul straight to Hell ) did with Star Wars.

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It looked like a close one for the credibility of science today. First, we had the International Astronomical Union acting like a bunch of retarded cats and adding 3 new planets but then demoting poor Pluto.

This made scientists sad but we continued on with our day by heading to the local pharmacy, because Cheez-Doodles are on sale there. While there, a group of girls approached. “You look like a scientist,” one said, “Explain string theory to us. That gets us hot.”

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was crush these girls’ hopes of getting their own scientist by explaining that my chick looks like one of them, except she’s an engineer and would pull their hair and make them cry for even suggesting such a thing, so instead I softened the hurt by saying, “Sorry girls, the pharmacy is all out of Magnum XL condoms, so I can’t have sex with you.”

Imagine my surprise when these girls revealed that the FDA has approved the ‘morning after’ pill so they could have sex with scientists any time they wanted in a consequence-free environment.

Scientists, like all men, want to know the easiest, bestest way to get sex.* My advice to fellow scientists used to be, “Go to planned parenthood.” This got me some confused looks so I would explain; “Well, you know those chicks are having sex, right?”

Instead I can just tell them to head for the local pharmacy - because science is nothing if not helpful in telling people they have to go from point A to point C. The problem has always been the steps between A and C, like talking to women. If only mathematicians could solve the ‘cocktail party‘ problem - conversation - we would really be getting somewhere. Wait, they did. Oh, no they didn’t. They made progress in how to duplicate the ear’s ability to separate sounds in a cacophony of noises instead. Well, that is nice too, though we hoped it meant how to see a hot supermodel at a party and have a good opening line that doesn’t involve cocaine.

One for three on science achievements isn’t bad, I suppose.

*Other scientists, I mean. Clearly I just need to buy Lady Scientist some flowers and a sambuca and she turns into a hellcat.

Want to know the best result of a vigorous debate about evolution? It’s now okay to talk about how people are different without getting into all of that touchy-feely “you’re special too” hoopie. Let’s take mathematicians, for example. They have always been toilet monkeys for scientists but in public we had to be nice to them and nod our heads at what they said even though we could do everything they could do ( scribble gibberish on a chalkboard )and we did it with a lot more style. It’s not us being mean to say it now, it’s just data.

Fellow scientists who aren’t concerned about being politically correct are finally laying it out there about differences between men and women too. I don’t know about you but this scientist did much of his young schooling in the 1970s when the popular theory was that there were no differences between men and women and if you raised them the same, they would be the same. This was baffling at the time but, hey, if important scientists said it, it had to be true, right? That’s why I believe those evolution guys today when they say that micro- and macro-evolution are the same thing and that evolution doesn’t require actual evidence, like fossils.

Well, it turns out common-sense people without science degrees may have been onto something after all and scientists are just now getting it. Science has discovered there are some things that women like to do because of their brain differences; flirting, gossiping and getting all up in our business, for example.

No kidding. I hope “baking me pies” is somewhere farther down that list. So if women’s brains are fundamentally different from men’s now as compared to the 1970s when we were all the same, maybe it’s because they are evolving differently. I’m going to reveal some research here for the first time which shows that not only are women evolving at different rates than men, they are actually devolving in some areas.

Take this example. We’ll call her “Carol.” As you can see, Carol is evolving nicely in some ways, with the blue eyes and the blonde hair and the flat tummy that all women will one day have. Yet either evolution is a fickle mistress or some higher power is having a laugh at us because, as you can see by this evidence, not only are women still hairy in some spots, they are getting hairier.

Clearly this is deviating from the evolutionary plan of having women smelling pretty and being mostly hairless that we all want.

So what is the solution? Evolution experts aren’t sure and say some changes won’t matter at all but some do. Giraffes, they say, evolved long necks to reach food but having Carol shave her arms wouldn’t make a bit of difference.

So we can’t use any chemicals except Miss Clairol to change the hair aspect but we can use lots of chemicals to modify the brain functions. Research is just beginning so we don’t have many concrete solutions but Louann Brizendine offers a few ideas in her book, The Female Brain. She suggests testosterone if a woman has a low sex drive, for example.

I would think shots of Jäger would be a lot cheaper but I am not a neuropsychiatrist. She also talks about chemical treatments for mood swings but as long as those pies keep on coming, I am not too concerned about moods.

Anyway, this sounds like an important book and you can order it here to support science.

I hope this helps in your everyday lives because understanding the crucial differences between the sexes can help you get what you want in your relationships with women, like some peace and quiet.