Yes, that is beer foam

The plain truth is, if you want an impartial analysis of beer, you can’t ask a beer drinker. They just can’t give you a scientific opinion because they care too much. It’s like asking me to choose between Rocio Guario Diaz and Doutzen Kroes.* Sure, I can give you an answer but it will depend on my mood. It’s the same for beer drinkers.

So if you didn’t read Practical Science Part I - Bugs Bunny and Beer you may not know how to make your very own shrunken head or how smart Bugs Bunny really is or why moms actually do know best but you most especially don’t know how, at the end of that research project, I came to grab a cold beer.

“Miller Genuine Draft” it said, and “unique cold-filtering process.”

“What’s so great about cold-filtered beer?” I thought and, because I am a practical science guy, I found out.

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I’ve said a few times that music is math. I’ve also said a few times that I’m a Chinese jet pilot and that Halle Berry wants to bear my children so it’s probably hard to know when you should take me seriously and when you shouldn’t.

But let’s go back to this “music is math” stuff. On that part I’m not kidding. At the end of the day, a lot of things can be math, including music and supermodels. A few months ago I did an article on how Phi, the famously named Golden Ratio, could even tell us who would be a supermodel. It contained excellent science, humor, Elle MacPherson, Carol Alt and Heidi Klum , yet still left some math questions unanswered.

In that article I mentioned the golden ratio in music, namely that the octave, fifth, and major and minor sixths are ratios of consecutive numbers of the Fibonacci* sequence, making them the closest low integer ratios to the golden ratio. But that doesn’t make a ton of sense until we get a little more basic, mostly because math doesn’t exist in the real world, it isn’t a hard science like physics.

So we’ll figure out how math is music but first we’ll show how music is physics.

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I got some questions from a writer named Captain Carrot, i.e. a stranger, who deduced that, because I write this column for free, I must also be available for free science consultation and/or general life and relationship advice.

Here is a sample:

I am 27. Should I try to stop smoking, or will I regret it later in life?

Most of you know me well enough by now to realize that, unless you provide webcam proof you are a supermodel, I am unlikely to even bother learning to spell your name.

Yet something in his plea struck me. Maybe because it’s Easter Weekend and I feel bad that Jesus died so most of you could tell George Bush how much smarter you are than he is, or maybe it’s because I feel a twinge of guilt at Photoshopping a picture of myself in a picture as a half-Crusader/half-Crusaded warrior of the 12th century, or maybe it’s because I am saddened that this poor monkey can’t even decide for himself whether or not he should ingest carcinogens that we’ve spent trillions of dollars telling him he should not ingest.

It doesn’t matter. I felt his pain so I answered his call. However, I am a busy man - if I am to have an orgy of unprotected sex with supermodels this weekend to celebrate the Resurrection of the Messiah, I need to make a coke run. And don’t let me forget to buy a grape for them to share when they have the munchies.

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I saw a press release about a global warming ‘virtual march’ ( we’ll get back to that ) and a tour being conducted by Laurie David ( married to “Seinfeld” co-creator Larry David and thus an expert on climate science, also founder of the website that put out the press release ) and Sheryl Crow called the “Stop Global Warming College Tour” beginning April 9th in Dallas.

I was itching to find more information about it and, other than discovering they were going to show clips from Al Gore’s movie ( yeah, no college student will have seen that ) and Sheryl Crow would sing a few songs at each stop, the only interesting thing I came across was an article in something called the Post Chronicle where the author makes a joking reference to a “girls gone green” tour likely being a better idea. You know, kind of like “Girls Gone Wild” except the beads they get are made of hemp - and they hopefully won’t be chunky sorority sisters on drunken binges.

You mean they haven’t done something like that yet??? No one would ever have heard of PETA if they didn’t go on trial for killing homeless pets and get aging supermodels like Christy Turlington ( perhaps NSFW ) to pose naked in their advertisements.

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The best stuff happens with Greeks. An undersea robot has discovered a Greek ship from 350 BC containing ceramic jars of olive oil, wine and whatever else Greek ships carried back then. Imagine that advertising slogan: “We deliver in six weeks or it’s free!” We know that buried ship isn’t carrying the head of Medusa because Teri Hatcher is wearing it on her neck:

And to add to the goodness that is Greece, archeologists have discovered a huge ancient tomb from 400 BC. Except for pictures of Rocio Guario Diaz ( me - Sweety ) I can’t think of a single thing that excites me more than archeological ruins in Greece. Except maybe Cheez-Doodles. We all know how much those excite me.

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