That’s right. It spells S-C-I-E-N-T-I-S-T, baby. Sure, you are used to me being a science guru and, on occasion, a Formula One race car driver who solves mysteries on TV, but unless you are a long-time reader you are probably not aware I am also a superhero.
I discovered I was a superhero this one time when a guy cut me off on the highway and I followed him off the exit and then we stopped at a red light and I bench-pressed his car and slept with his girlfriend. I knew then I wasn’t like other scientists … namely, because I could get a date.
Like all great superheroes, I have a secret underground lair. It’s called “The Lab.” And I have a cool costume, but I can’t show you that because you already know my secret identity.
There are critical times when some emergency calls and I must go from being mild-mannered scientist to superhero quickly. Usually the emergency involves alcohol and strippers but sometimes it involves cats being stuck in trees and stuff. Even if it’s a minor emergency like a cat I go anyway - because you just can’t take the superhero out of scientists. It would be like taking the chicken wings out of Syracuse.*
So how do I go from ordinary lab to secret underground lair “The Lab” when those emergencies occur? Well, you’ve all seen Batman and the bat pole and the bat cave and all that stuff. My process is remarkably similar.










