I’ve done acupressure for over 20 years. Not because I am some wussified New Age guy who cites Three Men And A Baby as his favorite movie but because it works. I have taken aspirin maybe once in that time for a headache.I didn’t learn it from an ancient Chinese guru, I learned it by reading a book.

When you are a young guy, you are just reading for knowledge and you can learn lots of interesting things by reading books. The one interesting - and important - thing you could not learn through reading was about relationships.

Until now.

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Robocup 2006 will take place later today in Bremen, bringing us one step closer to apocalyptic destruction at the hands of our robot overlords.

Yes, it is robots playing soccer. Teaching robots to play soccer without any kind of central control is exactly what society needs. Next we can teach them to make factories that build more robots and dress up like Yul Brynner. Or that chick on Battlestar Galactica:

Oops, wrong Battlestar Galactica chick. Here:

Much better.

No wait, let me be Kyle Reese when the big fight happens. I’m already working on the cool dune buggy with the laser turret on the back. And he got to nail Linda Hamilton.

You know when you get me, Detroit and brisk winter weather, weird scientific stuff will happen. Add in Tommy Lee and you get weird scientific stuff please a whole lot of strippers who love guys with tattoos.

Now, I was there for the football and without question my boys came through at the end. So not only did I predict that the Steelers are the greatest team in the NFL and why, I predicted they would beat the spread. And I would much rather have hung out with Hank Williams, Jr. and Kid Rock, but Tommy Lee turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

I was never a glam rock guy - I was in ROTC so they wouldn’t let me grow my hair while that sum’bitch Reagan was in The White House. And Heather Locklear was nowhere near as hot as my chick when Heather Locklear was young much less now, so I think I have Tommy Lee beat all the way around. Unless he’s one heck of a scientist. But we stumbled across him at The Flight Club in Detroit and he recognized us because he had been at The Landing Strip too. So he bought us a drink - and since he was paying, I ordered a Macallan 18-year old Scotch, neat with a water back. And drank precisely none of it. But I looked cool holding it. I was tempted to ask about his keen interest in Absinthe and hookers but it was pretty obvious from where we met him that he is a connoisseur of both. Some questions just don’t need to be asked.

So if you were face-to-face with Tommy Lee, what would you ask? About that video with Pamela Anderson? No way. I saw three seconds of that video and said, “These two are in love so that is just wrong to watch.” Because I like my porn to be amongst professionals. Or involving me. Otherwise, I don’t want it at all. Would you ask about the tattoos? I have none and he has a gazillion so that’s one topic I can’t converse about. Well, I wasn’t stumped like you are. I asked him about his canoodling with a transvestite in Toronto.

I says to Tommy, “Tommy, if there’s one thing I know it’s transvestite strippers. As your attorney I would strongly advise that you take me along - for your own protection - next time.”

“Cash, dude,” says Tommy, “You could not have known. That Nina dude was one convincing chick.” And then he thinks about it for a minute. “How the f*** did you hear about that anyway?”

Well, what can I do? Go to a PC and show him my blog? I did happen to have my Dell Axim X51 in my pocket and I could have shown him everything he ever wanted to know about Thai transvestite hookers but I just mumbled something about reading The New York Post. “Yeah, I hate that f***ing rag,” he says.

Suddenly, the phone rings. It’s Lady Scientist. I think I know what this is about. She is not happy about the blog from the bar in Japan. Knowing that, I fail to mention Tommy Lee or the strip club we are in. Oops, no, that is not it. I still leave out the strip club, just in case.

She’s angry about vaginas. Specifically, stories involving vaginas that are not hers.

ME: You didn’t think my remark about the ‘line of women willing to offer me their vaginas is so long it can be viewed from space’ was funny? What about vaginas exploding because I am so hot. Is that funny?

SHE: I don’t think you and vaginas in the same story is funny, no.

ME: Come on. That’s funny stuff.

SHE: It’s actually not that funny.

ME: You’re repressing me.

SHE: I’m informing you.

ME: What about third person jokes involving vaginas?

SHE: Still not funny.

So I tried to disract her with stories about fat French people and a James Bond Director getting busted in drag during a prostitution sting but she was having none of it. Since that didn’t work I offered to buy her a vibrator that plugs into the USB port of a computer. That seemed to settle her down. She’s such a sucker for romantic gifts. Tommy Lee offers to serenade her to smooth things over but given his penchant for creating porn stars out of normal women, I don’t take him up on it. If she’s going to be a porn star, it can only be with me.

A Physicists Guide To Relationship Advice

I get a lot of acquaintances and friends that ask me for relationship advice. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because the line of women waiting to offer me their vaginas is so long it can be seen from space. Or maybe it’s because I am happy all of the time. If I am happy all of the time, it’s because I probably know some things they don’t know. The first thing to know in relationships is where you stand and the second thing is not to expect too much from the other person. I can’t help you with not expecting too much but I can tell you where you stand. To find that out, science comes to the rescue.

40 million people a year meet via the internet so this probably counts for that medium too, though I am betting the bad percentages are a lot higher. I met someone from the internet once and it went just about as well as it can go but your mileage may vary.

So here are the facts:

* British and Australian men drink too much. And admit it. That means they drink a lot more than they are admitting. So if you date one of them, don’t start complaining about it.

* 80% of Brazilian and Mexican men lied about their relationship status. Why would they bother? Brazilian and Mexican women assume they are lying and don’t care. Telling the truth might be a goldmine. Kind of like being a straight guy in San Francisco. Sure, women may assume you are gay at first but …

* 70% of German women lied about their relationship status. Which tells you what you need to know about German men. On the other hand, with 70% of German women you can’t tell what gender they are anyway.

* 50% of Italian and German men lied about income to attract the opposite sex. This explains why most German women continue to shop around. It doesn’t explain anything at all about Italian men that you didn’t already know. Namely, that they are hound dogs. I went to Italy with my chick and had to walk next to her with a hockey stick to get them to stop “Buongiorno”-ing her every five seconds.

* 40% of Portugese men rated intelligence over appearance. Not a single Australian respondent said that. So we know that 40% of Portugese lie and that Australian men are honest about both their drinking and that they only like you for your looks. Which is scary, if you have seen Australian women.

* 63% of men and women in the USA specified humor as the most important factor in their attraction to the opposite sex. Which tells you that this survey is full of crap. 73% of Canadians said the same thing, so at least Americans aren’t as full of crap as Canadians.

Finally, I will throw in some personal insight on navigating relationships. Here is a paraphrased transcript from a conversation I had a few weeks ago so you know what not to do:

ME: If I don’t go to Detroit, can you help me throw a Super Bowl party even though my team just crushed yours? I’ll buy you stuff.
SHE: I want cash.
ME: Sweet. Can I bring it all in ones? I set up a stripper pole in the 3rd car garage.
SHE: Now I want more cash.
ME: Hmmm. That plan backfired.
SHE: But I will let you watch the game. Provided you keep it muted. And I am in Asia on business.
ME: You’re trying to make me screw a whore in Windsor, Canada on Super Bowl Sunday, aren’t you?

You can bet that list bit of well-intentioned humor came with a price tag. Luckily, Playboy is doing its part to help me find a replacement girl on the internet, if needed. They can help you too. Once you find her, all you have to do is tell her she has a sense of humor - 63% of the time. And teeth like Bugs Bunny. At least that worked for me and Kate Beckinsale.

Download the full Harlequin Romance Report 2006 here.

I don’t know about you, but my thinking is that without prostitutes, it just ain’t the World Cup. The Germans aren’t going to say there is no prostitution at all - that would just be crazy talk, especially if you have seen German women - but they know that they don’t want hookers from other countries everywhere so they have made handy signs to let you know where it isn’t allowed. The Germans are pretty good about obeying signs, except ones that have things like “Border of France” and the Star of David written on them.