If there’s one thing I know, it’s what God meant when he created the Easter Bunny. Somewhere in there the Easter Bunny became associated with religion and when you add religion to things, you get alcohol-and-sex-fueled holidays. The holiday we are talking about today is the really fun period in Catholicism right before you have to give up stuff until you get Easter eggs 6 weeks later. Let’s call the giving up stuff part “Lent” and the fun part before that “Brazil.”

Brazil is, technically, a Catholic nation. Like all Catholic nations, this means you should give away 25,000,000 condoms for a religious event though the Church doesn’t believe in birth control.

Now, I am all for two things; birth control and inconsistency. Just not at the same time. I always pick one or the other. One time Sweety asked me about this:

SHE: Let me see if I understand this. You won’t use birth control, we can’t live together before marriage and you never eat meat on Fridays but you’ll let me use birth control and we can have buckets of pre-marital sex.

ME: Check. And sodomy, if you’re making a list.

SHE: How is that possible again?

ME: Well, I figure you’re going to Hell anyway so I might as well let you use birth control. And I can’t take Communion because of the pre-marital sex thing. So I suffer too.

You can imagine that logic train never left her station. So back to Brazil. They are going to give away 1 billion free condoms in 2006 as part of their ‘acclaimed’ anti-AIDS program. Who acclaims it? The government giving away the condoms, of course. The Church is worried that if they give away a lot of condoms, people will have more sex.

Not me. You think they’re giving away Durex XXLs? I bet not.

Ram Bomjon has a pretty good gig. He spends his days meditating under a tree. He hasn’t had to cook or order takeout for six months. Heck, he hasn’t eaten anything at all. Not even a McNugget, say the thousands of worshippers who have flocked to southern Nepal to worship the 15-year-old boy.

As you can imagine, 6 months without food or water has made him pretty skinny. Now, that’s not for me, man. When I grow up to be Buddha I want to look like this guy.

Still, as weight loss programs go, this kid is onto something. Something even cooler than enlightenment and light shining from his forehead. You see, I’ve always been baffled by the weight loss dilemma. But I am baffled by the Jitterbug and the popularity of Kenny Chesney too. Let’s face it, they have done studies for 60 years on weight loss - and there were no fat people before 1945 so they didn’t bother prior to that. In every instance, genetic makeup or not, people who consumed fewer calories than they burned lost weight. Every single time.

But is anyone flocking to Nepal to talk to this kid about writing a book on his diet regimen? No way. They just want to see him and buy a picture for 4 rupees. In 500 BC it took the original Buddha 49 days sitting under a tree to reach spiritual enlightenment. All it takes for me is a picture of my chick in tight jeans. But this kid has been sitting there for six months and is still only a Rinpoche.

Which goes to show you, education isn’t what it used to be.

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