So we’re sitting at breakfast and basically just talking about random things and the waitress introduces herself by saying, “My name is China.” I say to Lady Scientist, “Who names a kid China?” and then, “Do you think she’s a wrestler?” and finally, “Isn’t that ‘Dancing With The Stars’ thing on TV again?”

She is unfazed by all of this, since this is about the billionth time I metaphorically started a conversation about butterflies and ended up verbally designing a space shuttle that will take off from my garage roof.

“I recorded it. We can watch it,” she replies. Now, this is nothing new. There are three Replay DVRs in my house with approximately 160 hours of space on each one of them and they are almost full - and that’s just with Nip/Tuck episodes she doesn’t have time to watch.

But I am not thinking about that. “Sure, I’ll watch it. It has Stacy Kiebler on it this season.”

“Who’s that?”

“Well, she’s a lady wrestler.”

“You know that? Is this someone you think about a lot?” because she knows I probably haven’t watched more than 5 seconds of wrestling in my whole life. Or at least since Wrestlemania III, when Hulk Hogan body-slammed Andre The Giant in the greatest televised wrestling event of all time. But I digress.

“Well, not a lot. Maybe for 5 minutes late at night when I am out of town.”

“Really? Well, you can think about her again tonight. In fact, I am going to print off her picture and hand it to you and say, ‘Here you go’.”

“Nein, nein, nein.”

“Then you better watch your step, Copernicus.”

You know what that means, right? Yeah, me too. Massages and bubble baths in order to get her back in the zone. Women have it easy because they only have to deal with men, which pretty much consists of just getting naked to turn us on.

So, to all of you budding scientists out there, you’re welcome. Now you know what not to do.

In an interview in Britain’s Grazia Magazine, Uma Thurman says she is still “out there and available if anyone’s interested. As one who adores the male species, I feel compassionately towards them. I’ve studied them carefully like a hunter watches its prey. I love all the guys out there.”

Now, before you fellas get all hopped up on testosterone and give her a call, you need a quick primer on what it means when a Hollywood starlet says she is “available if anyone’s interested.” So I’ll save you some time and excerpt “Cash’s Guide To Dating Hot Chicks” Chapter 4 - ‘Dating A Celebrity.’

When a celebrity says she is ‘available’ she is trying to make it sound like she is sitting around nights waiting for just any old guy. It pumps up the fan base by letting boys think they have a fighting chance. Sure, there are cases to back that up, like Renee Zellweger marrying some guy named Kenny Chesney and Christina Aguilera giving hope to ugly guys everywhere but those really are exceptions. It’s sort of like if you meet a normal girl at a bar and she says “A guy’s car isn’t important to me.” What than translates into, if you have purchased your handy Cash’s Woman-To-Man Decoder Ring, is “A nice care won’t help you get laid but a crappy car will certainly hurt.”

On the upside, she’s 6 feet tall and only weighs 128, so you can throw her around the kitchen like a goddamn pizza box and barely break a sweat. And she dresses like this on occasion:

The downside is that she married Ethan Hawke. So she has a thing for pretentious asses. Feel free to comment if you have a strategy to nail Uma Thurman. I know, I know, you’re asking why I don’t do it myself. I agree that when I talk about women on my blog, I am invincible. But luckily for Uma I am taken.

Okay, she got married and actually looks pretty good here, but what woman doesn’t on her wedding day?

Yet look at the guy she married. Dude, you can shave on your wedding day. What this really does is reaffirm the advice I have given to women countless times: DATE UGLY MEN. They try harder.

I mean, look at this guy. I have five degrees and I still can’t figure out what’s wrong with his teeth.

Well, who isn’t? Except replace ’strippers’ with supermodels and ‘absinthe’ with Cheez-Doodles. There’s nothing like canoodling with supermodels while enjoying a bag of Cheez-Doodles.

But unlike Tommy, I don’t go for “La Fée Verte” - that’s the French term for Absinthe but, being French people and therefore 80% gay, the literal translation is “the green fairy.” Instead, when I want to engage in fantasy-like hallucinations, I simply consult this picture of Jessica Alba.

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Am I missing something or did the world go crazy while I was asleep? State Supreme Court Justice Rosalyn Richter says Gene Simmons can be sued for defamation because a picture of Georgeann Walsh Ward ( i.e. nobody ) with him was used in a “rockumentary” in which he admitted having sex with 4,600 women, which makes her look ‘unchaste.’

You were dating a member of KISS and you’re worried you looked unchaste? He had sex with 4,600 women. You’re lucky he even knows your name much less showed you in his documentary.

What’s next? The supermodels I have nailed will get upset about it if I mention it here? Bring on the lawsuits! And Angelina Jolie can deny she picked me up in a hotel bar during the filming of Cyborg 2, but you know how many people have been told my story about how I lost the feeling on the fingertips in my left hand? Buckets of them … I almost shot my Coca Cola out my nose when I was on the plane watching “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” and she ad-libbed that little bit of character depth.

So yeah, I got my eye on your millions too, Angelina. If your next movie has you talking about that time my daddy shot a deer out my bedroom window and woke me up to make me go drag it in, I am getting me some compensation.

Your bone-jarringly hot ass can’t save you from my wrath.

Okay, it can. But you’re still a bitch.

Call me.