Archive for the 'PETA' Category

Monday, March 19th, 2007

Girls Gone Green

I saw a press release about a global warming ‘virtual march’ ( we’ll get back to that ) and a tour being conducted by Laurie David ( married to “Seinfeld” co-creator Larry David and thus an expert on climate science, also founder of the website that put out the press release ) and Sheryl Crow called the “Stop Global Warming College Tour” beginning April 9th in Dallas.

I was itching to find more information about it and, other than discovering they were going to show clips from Al Gore’s movie ( yeah, no college student will have seen that ) and Sheryl Crow would sing a few songs at each stop, the only interesting thing I came across was an article in something called the Post Chronicle where the author makes a joking reference to a “girls gone green” tour likely being a better idea. You know, kind of like “Girls Gone Wild” except the beads they get are made of hemp - and they hopefully won’t be chunky sorority sisters on drunken binges.

You mean they haven’t done something like that yet??? No one would ever have heard of PETA if they didn’t go on trial for killing homeless pets and get aging supermodels like Christy Turlington ( perhaps NSFW ) to pose naked in their advertisements.

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Friday, October 6th, 2006

Science Helps You Plan Your Weekend

Science Helps You Plan Your Weekend

Here Are Your Options:

1. Die In A Cocaine-Fueled Orgy Of Gayness

Just hang out with German nobility. A gay guy in Germany jumping from a balcony while hopped up on drugs during an orgy barely made the news in the U.S., because it is so unsurprising. Cocaine and gay orgies in a party thrown by a German Count? Next we’ll hear they pissed on each other. Yeah. Big shock.

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2. Work For World Peace

Use trial and error to act out your favorite scenarios for making the world a happy place. Since you don’t want to spend money on real dictators, use puppets. No one’s afraid of puppets … even puppets with nuclear bombs.

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Wednesday, July 19th, 2006

Colorado Woman Mixes Science, Metaphors

Nothing says relaxation and down-home cooking like the smell of crackling electricity through chicken corpses and Liborio Markets, a Latino-based grocery store moving into the region, aims to please. To make sure you get the freshest chicken nuggets possible, they intend to kill about 150 chickens a day by coursing wholesome electrical currents through the feathered critters. Then they cook them. Seems simple enough, and about as humane as you can get, being they are turned into food and all, but some residents are clucking about it.

Claudia Barnes, a local busybody who learned just today that chickens have to die before she can eat them, doesn’t like the idea at all.

“We’re just appalled,” she said. “If they want to do this in the privacy of their home, I don’t care. But we’re just opening up a keg of worms if this happens.”

Keg of worms? What happened to cliches everyone knew and that made sense? She is worried about some kind of slippery slope here, like if chickens are killed humanely we’ll suddenly have dogs hanging in the streets, like in Spain? And they should kill chickens in their homes? Is that some kind of racist thing against Mexicans? Listen up, Claudia, Mexicans may have chickens fight each other in their basements but they don’t kill them. Not on purpose anyway. I am with the Mexicans here. I am okay with dead chickens because they can’t bring me my slippers but I draw the line at hanging dogs.

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