Pure, un-edited proof that all women look hotter as (a) blondes and (b) long-haired blondes. Let’s talk Bryce Dallas Howard, chosen to play Gwen Stacy in Spider-Man 3. Now, I don’t know about the rest of you but as a little Star Trek nerd, age 6, seeing Gwen Stacy as drawn by John Romita was a life-changing experience.

I don’t know how they are going to work her into Spider-Man now, since they flopped around the history and made Mary Jane Watson his first girlfriend and had her getting into all the trouble Gwen did in the comics, but it won’t matter as long as she looks something like this:

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Saturday morning. Make an air gun that shoots tampons. Some PVC, a few tampon vending tubes and a whole mess of tampons. Conveniently, I keep all that around the house for emergencies.

Later Saturday morning. Shoot brother with tampon gun. Let’s face it, men don’t even like going to the store to buy tampons. He’s really going to hate being shot with them. Maybe even as much as Mel Gibson hates Jews.

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Part 1: The Albinos

Albinos are pissed about being portrayed as creepy criminals … again. This time in The Da Vinci Code.

Why does this happen every time we get a new villain? Terrorists have to be creepy Europeans now because it’s not Politcally Correct to use Muslims. Yeah, we all know there are lots of Prussian Christian Fundamentalists blowing up stuff. You think Back To The Future would have been as funny if we had Germans yelling “Nach einem Bier, kannst Du in mein Mund pissen?” *

No, we needed Muslims in a VW Microbus yelling “Allah Akbar” and watching midget porn, or whatever they were doing in the back of that thing. Libyans. With Russian RPGs in hand. Trying to steal plutonium. Now that, my friends, was movie accuracy - especially that part about a time-travelling DeLorean.

But pesky albinos are upset that, in The Da Vinci Code, one of their kind is portrayed as the bad guy. They think it demeans their condition. Let me tell you, there are only a few groups in America that it’s still okay to demean and I don’t think albinos are among them. For the record the groups it is still okay to make fun of without lawsuits are; white men, skinny chicks, southern men and Catholics. If albinos want to be added in to this illustrious company, they have to earn it. So I did some quick research and could only find a few recent examples of where albinos were the creepy bad guys:

The Da Vinci Code, 2006
Cold Mountain, 2003
The Matrix Reloaded, 2003
The Time Machine, 2002

Okay, that’s more than a few, especially considering a bunch more I never watched, but maybe that’s just a recent fad. So I looked back to the 1970s …

The Eiger Sanction, 1975
The Life And Times of Judge Roy Bean, 1972
The Omega Man, 1971

and a bunch more that I never watched. After that I stopped counting. Maybe they have a point. Still, in the course of all movies being made there has to be something different about the villain once in a while, so everyone should get tagged here and there. You don’t see me complaining because lots of movie villains are white men. Besides, without albinos we wouldn’t have had that Simpsons Halloween Special where Homer thinks Johnny and Edgar Winter are radioactive mutants and runs over them shouting, “Die, chalk-faced scum!” And you don’t think those guys were in on the joke? You think they picked the last name ‘Winter’ by coincidence? And that song, “Frankenstein”??? Sheesh. At least people knew how to laugh at themselves in the ’70s.

It isn’t all bad for albinoes. There are positive examples too. Oh wait, only one, and it is sort of a toss-up. Elric of Melniboné. I always thought Elric was kinda lame but I guess he was cool for the 1960s. But then so was Leonard Nimoy singing “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.”

I think albinos need to shut their pale-faced pie holes and be happy they get any attention at all. If we didn’t have albinos and skinny chicks then only southern men, white men and Catholics would be left to ridicule … which means, me and about five other guys in America would take all of the smack.

Part 2: The Sexy Skeleton Zombies

Some guy named DJ A.M. ( seriously ) broke up with Nicole Richie because she’s too thin. That’s right, because she is too skinny. This girl’s dad was a real musician and yet she dated this assclown who does nothing but queue up CDs - so, to me, a real charity case in the best of circumstances - and he dumped her. For being too thin. This baffles me. It’s like telling a girl, “I have to break up with you because the sex is too good” or “You make pie crusts too well. See ya.”

She is finally getting to look the way all women should look; like a sexy zombie skeleton. Or Rebecca Romijin, who made it back onto the interesting list because she likes it a little kinky. She used to look like this, but don’t get too excited. There are plenty of convenient edits in X-Men 3 to hide the fact that she’s no Nicole Richie these days:

She says she likes to be a dominatrix. How cute. I’d put up with that for about five seconds before I made her my toilet monkey.

Still, this blog is about who would win in a battle royale among two of the five most hated groups in America, skinny chicks or albinos. As a physics guru, I do a lot on computers so I wrote a simulator while watching Jackie Chan’s New Police Story last night and the results ( click on it to see it full size) are here:

Looks like the albino bad guys are better after all - so they have that going for them. And if it happens to be a really white male who wins overall, so much the better for my gender. We have to do something to keep that glass ceiling in place.

* Okay, do not actually say that in Germany.

There once were two girls, Betty and Veronica, who loved a boy. One was a cute blonde girl who didn’t like being called cute and one was a sexy brunette with big cans who wanted to be respected for her brains. The blonde girl liked the bad boys and the the brunette girl liked … the bad boys. Yes, even when they were over the age of 30, Betty and Veronica still liked the bad boys, which defies logic and common sense. That they both like the same bad boy makes even less sense.

So Betty marries a bad boy whose whose music I have never listened to, mostly because I don’t use hairspray. Veronica marries a bad boy with a penchant for hookers and cocaine. They both figured this would be a recipe for success, because bad boys love to be changed. Betty and Veronica learned a valuable lesson about why they should have fought over Archie instead.

Why bring this up? Because one of the science groupies in blogdom who lurk without commenting wrote me an email poem which quite cleverly referenced the whole David Spade/Heather Locklear madness of a few weeks ago. There is no more fitting allegory for Betty and Veronica than Heather Locklear and Denise Richards, which is why this parable needs two parts. The question via poem goes:

Cash, you are my final chance
Of finding the true happenstance

What I don’t understand is just why they
Can’t like one another, at the end of the day?

I agree about the baffling nature of this whole thing. You know things have gone crazy when the girl from Wild Things is trying to take the moral high ground.

And you know she is playing for keeps when all Charlie Sheen does is ask to see his kids and she demands it be in the presence of a police officer, calls him a pedophile, and tells the world he kills hookers.

Thus my answer, in rhyming verse:

You came to Cash, guru of physics
Who writes sexy equations and confounds his critics

My prediction is this, sure they’re all just plain crazies,
But their pussy’s are still purring, not pushing up daisies.

In other words, Betty and Veronica aren’t exactly done with their bad boys yet. And you can bet there will be a poem with updates in the future.

Daniel Craig has been under fire from moment one. Not many people have thought he would be good in the role - except the daughter of the guy who built the franchise. We’ve already established that English chicks are nuts and having a girl pick the next James Bond is proof of it.

So he’s blonde and that isn’t good. But whatever. He’s also a major league wuss who can’t even drive JB’s car and that’s a little harder to forgive.

So what is his answer to all those criticisms?

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