AstroGlide - The Video Game

If there’s one thing I hate it’s rumors about me and women I am not actually nailing. And, frankly, this thing about me and Kate Beckinsale has gotten out of hand. I am not responsible for the collapse of her marriage, no matter how bad it looks.

Okay, because your opinion of me is important, here is what happened: I happened to be in an internet cafe in Japan and Kate is noodling away on a computer. Now, this is Japan and it ain’t like any of these people watched Pearl Harbor at the multi-plex, if you catch my political humor, so they don’t recognize her. And all Americans look alike. Especially the English ones.

And danged if I don’t look over her shoulder and she is at the Astro-Glide website playing a video game. Now, I don’t know about you, but it isn’t every day a girl is at a sexual lubricant website playing something called Astro-Blasto, which seems to involve nothing but some blobby thing spitting at some other blobby things. Kinda hot now that I think back on it.

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So here are some jobs I might like to have next time around:

* Former President - write a book on public service, get paid $5 million to do it. Apparently Mr. Clinton didn’t see the irony in that.

* Philadelphia Paramedic - because I want to go on calls like where this guy’s bi-polar wife yanked his penis off while he slept. And I am way cooler than Randolph Mantooth.

* Teenage Boy - so Pamela Rogers will seduce me and I can take advantage of the fact that studies show teenage girls are twice as likely to have sex as teenage boys - why is that important? Math shows us that in order for girls to have sex twice as often as boys, some boys are having sex with four girls. And that’s the kind of high school I could tolerate. Oh, and the study also shows girls are more likely to drink, smoke, steal and take drugs. So boys get the better end of that deal too. Plus, we get to have sex with girls, which is pretty much the cherry on top of the Sundae of Awesomeness that being a boy is.

* Guy Who Designs Armored Suits For Soldiers - because this body armor is the best practical joke ever:

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A Physicists Guide To Relationship Advice

I get a lot of acquaintances and friends that ask me for relationship advice. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because the line of women waiting to offer me their vaginas is so long it can be seen from space. Or maybe it’s because I am happy all of the time. If I am happy all of the time, it’s because I probably know some things they don’t know. The first thing to know in relationships is where you stand and the second thing is not to expect too much from the other person. I can’t help you with not expecting too much but I can tell you where you stand. To find that out, science comes to the rescue.

40 million people a year meet via the internet so this probably counts for that medium too, though I am betting the bad percentages are a lot higher. I met someone from the internet once and it went just about as well as it can go but your mileage may vary.

So here are the facts:

* British and Australian men drink too much. And admit it. That means they drink a lot more than they are admitting. So if you date one of them, don’t start complaining about it.

* 80% of Brazilian and Mexican men lied about their relationship status. Why would they bother? Brazilian and Mexican women assume they are lying and don’t care. Telling the truth might be a goldmine. Kind of like being a straight guy in San Francisco. Sure, women may assume you are gay at first but …

* 70% of German women lied about their relationship status. Which tells you what you need to know about German men. On the other hand, with 70% of German women you can’t tell what gender they are anyway.

* 50% of Italian and German men lied about income to attract the opposite sex. This explains why most German women continue to shop around. It doesn’t explain anything at all about Italian men that you didn’t already know. Namely, that they are hound dogs. I went to Italy with my chick and had to walk next to her with a hockey stick to get them to stop “Buongiorno”-ing her every five seconds.

* 40% of Portugese men rated intelligence over appearance. Not a single Australian respondent said that. So we know that 40% of Portugese lie and that Australian men are honest about both their drinking and that they only like you for your looks. Which is scary, if you have seen Australian women.

* 63% of men and women in the USA specified humor as the most important factor in their attraction to the opposite sex. Which tells you that this survey is full of crap. 73% of Canadians said the same thing, so at least Americans aren’t as full of crap as Canadians.

Finally, I will throw in some personal insight on navigating relationships. Here is a paraphrased transcript from a conversation I had a few weeks ago so you know what not to do:

ME: If I don’t go to Detroit, can you help me throw a Super Bowl party even though my team just crushed yours? I’ll buy you stuff.
SHE: I want cash.
ME: Sweet. Can I bring it all in ones? I set up a stripper pole in the 3rd car garage.
SHE: Now I want more cash.
ME: Hmmm. That plan backfired.
SHE: But I will let you watch the game. Provided you keep it muted. And I am in Asia on business.
ME: You’re trying to make me screw a whore in Windsor, Canada on Super Bowl Sunday, aren’t you?

You can bet that list bit of well-intentioned humor came with a price tag. Luckily, Playboy is doing its part to help me find a replacement girl on the internet, if needed. They can help you too. Once you find her, all you have to do is tell her she has a sense of humor - 63% of the time. And teeth like Bugs Bunny. At least that worked for me and Kate Beckinsale.

Download the full Harlequin Romance Report 2006 here.