Because we needed this study to tell us money can’t buy happiness* and this one to tell us fat people actually are not more jolly than the rest of us.

So the next time someone tries to set me up on a date by using the catch-phrase “she is sooooo jolly” I will see right through it. I’ll know they mean she is really thin and hot.

So, really, what is the benefit to being fat if you can’t sit around smugly eating your second box of Krispy Kreme’s secure in the knowledge that you’re happier than the rest of us?. I, for one, am happy to hear someone finally did this study. I have gotten tired of fat people always lording it over me because they are supposedly so much happier than I am. And I’m tired of them making jokes about me not shopping in the ’stout’ section of department stores. End intolerance toward thin people now.

This is one time I think more money should be thrown at studies. We have improved as a society now that fat people can’t continue to act superior because of their innate happiness.

Now they should do a study proving that men with small hands and sports cars don’t have small penises. Because I am really fed up with that one too.

*See the full study here. Their studies also show Republicans are happier than Democrats. But that’s because we’re all Oil Barons.

Want To Cure Global Warming? Make Really Big Sunglasses

Sometimes aging scientists get nostalgic for no good reason. Sometimes aging scientists get nostalgic for a very good reason. Environmentalism of the 1970s is a very good reason for scientists to get nostalgic.

You see, when I was a young scientist the big fear was a new Ice Age. Yes, the trend had been that in the 20th century to-date, even with all those big factories pumping out noxious gas and fumes, the earth was cooling. Pollution was the problem, they said. Too much sulfur was preventing the sun’s yummy rays from entering terra firma.

Now it turns out global warming is the problem. That means - you guessed it - we don’t have enough pollution preventing the sun’s yummy rays from entering our atmosphere.

Fear of a new Ice Age at least made sense. Throughout earth’s history, 90,000 of every 100,000 years has been Ice Age. And it’s been 12,000 years since the last one, which means we are overdue.

Global Warming doesn’t make as much sense. Most global warming doesn’t come from people or factories, it comes from plants. I don’t know about you, but I get tickled trying to think of ways environmentalists can blame Big Business for too many plants. Then again, TIME Magazine can write most anything with a straight face - they did a big cover story on global warming that had in its first paragraph, “Suddenly and unexpectedly, the crisis is upon us.”

Maybe the guys at TIME are confused about what the words “suddenly” and “unexpectedly” actually mean. I can’t pick up a newspaper without reading about global warming. TIME goes on to say that we’re all going to Hell in a handbasket because of glacial ice sheets melting and a 20-foot rise in the oceans. It’s like WaterWorld, only with better actors.

Wait … Archimedes lived a long time ago and even he knew better. Those glacial ice sheets can melt all they want and it doesn’t make a bit of difference in the level of the oceans. Now, if all of Greenland melted, that would be a problem - but the temperature of Greenland itself isn’t rising at all.

Some scientists are no different from any other government pork-barrel recipients. They only think about funding. Like the saying goes, “No bucks - no Buck Rogers.” Since global warming is the cause celebre du jour, that is where some will go to get money.

So what are those scientists claiming is the answer to global warming? Make really big sunglasses. Or mess with the clouds to act more like our old friend pollution - the easiest answer of all is to inject more sulfur into the atmosphere, which is one of the proposals geo-engineers have out there.

Yes, you read it correctly. We spent trillions of dollars creating government regulations and re-tooling factories to halt the emission of sulfur into the atmosphere so now we will need to spend trillions to create a government agency to inject sulfur into the atmosphere. Sometimes I hate scientists. And I am one. And I hate irony!

Let’s not panic just yet. After all, global warming only became a problem when George Bush took office in 2001. Al Gore says we still have 10 years before catastrophe occurs. And 10 years just happens to be 2 years until the next election plus the 8 years to the end of his second term as President if he wins. So at least we know he has a plan.

I am in the science business, people, and if there’s one thing I know because of my extensive experience in science, it’s voodoo. Statistics is voodoo, plain and simple. And it might be evil, but I am not going there just yet.

This study says they have found a biological basis for homosexuality - it happens to men who have brothers.

HUH? Yes, they use statistics to say that since 95% of gay men have brothers, brothers make people gay. Or moms who have more than one son start creating gay ones after the first. Or something. I am not really sure what their conclusion is because the premise itself is baffling. To quote Wolfgang Pauli; “This isn’t right. This isn’t even wrong.”

Now, first things first, I got no dog in that gay/not-gay fight.* I couldn’t care less, other than it being fun to make jokes when a gay director makes an American icon look gay as often as possible and then goes out of his way to say he’s surprised people think the character is gay.**

And for humor purposes I am all for junk science. It is relatively harmless and gives Al Gore a way to feel important. But now biologists are in on the scam? I haven’t been so outraged since that assclown invented string theory.

But when gay statisticians get together with junk science I have to draw the line. 95% of homosexuals have older brothers so older brothers cause homosexuality?*** That’s right. Thus, if you have an older brother, you’re probably gay.

Wait. I have lots of older brothers. Does this mean maybe Bryan Singer will make me Superman in the sequel? I can provide my own codpiece.

*Number of emails I will get insisting I am gay because I made jokes about gay Superman; 2.

**I’m still going to see it on Thursday. Bryan Singer rocks.

***Insert your own joke here.