“It’s hard finding the perfect woman,” my friend Jack said to me.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Do you want to borrow my copy of Poison Ivy: The New Seduction?”

“No, no, we all know why you never answer the phone when My Name Is Earl is on TV. You went three hours early to get tickets for DOA the day it opened and ended up being the only person in the whole theater. I mean finding the perfect woman for me is difficult. I am always excited when things get going but then I find some annoying flaw.”

“I understand completely,” I said, though in truth I did not. It’s well known that the line of perfect women waiting to date scientists is so long it can be seen from space. “Have you ever written down the qualities you want, or are you more the type who likes a lot of qualities and will enjoy any girl who is exceptional in one of them?”

“I think I am that second one,” he said. “I don’t want to be elitist.”

“No, setting your standard high and settling for less only by necessity would be too easy, I agree,” I said. “Let’s take the scientific approach. I have all of the women I can think of in the handy Cashitude 8500 laptop. We can create a regression algorithm that will help you converge on the perfect one.”

Off to the lab we went.

(more…)

You have me to do it for you. And, oh yeah, AskMen.com. They did a handy Top Women of 2005 ranking a while ago but it was suspect because it lacked Jaime Pressly anywhere on it. They have at least corrected their gaffe this year, but they only corrected it because they made this list the most desirable women of 2006. I can only think of one woman more desirable than Jaime and if she is on anyone’s list I want them caught and shot now.

Jaime comes in at number 63 on their most desirable women of 2006 list , which means the men who voted have not seen Poison Ivy: The New Seduction or any of her other fine films.

I am including their handy top 10 list here. I don’t agree with most of them but the ones that were truly offensive I crossed out and replaced with the choices they should have made.

1. Jessica Alba Jaime Pressly

2. Sienna Miller

3. Angelina Jolie Rocio Guiaro Diaz

4. Adriana Lima Eva Mendes

5. Maria Menounos Roselyn Sanchez

6. Charlize Theron Molly Sims

7. Jessica Biel

8. Amerie Alessandra Ambrosio

9. Natalie Portman Jillian Barberie

10.Eva Longoria Monica Bellucci

Okay, I only agreed with two of their picks. Sienna Miller makes the list because she is the kind of hottie nutcase you can’t help but get excited about. And Jessica Biel has a face like a horse but she has a body so hot I think an angel dies every time I look at it for too long. Some of you will argue about Jessica Alba at number one. Heck, even her Into The Blue costar, Paul Walker, sat down with Complex magazine and had this to say about her:

“Come on, dude, you know what I’m looking at. I couldn’t take my eyes off that ass. I’m sorry. She’s beautiful. And she’s such a pain in my ass, too. But that’s what I love about her. She’s the kind of girl you just want to have angry sex with for the rest of your life because it’s just that good.”

Paul is clearly a man of refined intellect. But he doesn’t know women.
I’m with him on the angry sex thing though. Here’s a conversation I had with my chick when she was angry at me for something ridiculous, like wrecking Scarlett Johansson’s relationship a short while ago.

SHE: Why in the world would you cheat on me with some ditzy actress and then write about it … on your public blog?

ME: I didn’t cheat on you. I only nailed her.

SHE: Do you not see that is the worst possible answer?

ME: Sorry, yes, that wasn’t appropriate. “Nailed” was not a very considerate way to phrase it. I meant I only “nailed love to” her.

And then she threw my Joe DiMaggio signed baseball through a window and left in a huff. But I got my angry sexy later. Because I was pissed about that window.

Not just because of Monica Bellucci either, though that’s a pretty good reason. We’re lucky to have Italians because without them I wouldn’t be able to spend two days creating a timpano every year, and it just wouldn’t be Christmas. But even more important than that, since I brought up Jesus and food in the same paragraph, is that Italians gave birth to Italian courts and Italian courts have decided they will figured out, once and for all, whether Jesus really existed or not.

Take two schoolboys who were seminarians together and age them 60 years. One became a Priest and one quit seminary and became an atheist. They both can’t shut up about it. Hilarity ensues. This could end up being a Dan Brown Novel. Only with a more realistic plot than feminine goddess conspiracy theories and Leonardo Da Vinci being so gay that only art historians can save the world. Or whatever that book was about.

However, they made sure I will see the movie version by getting Audrey Tautou to be in it. I swear it took me a whole bottle of AstroGlide just to get through Amelie. She was that good.

Now, there are obviously more important things I should be writing about. I can never get enough of explosions on the moon or bandits on golf carts stealing pot roasts, but it’s Friday and I never eat meat on Fridays, so pot roast blogs would be too much for me. And the only explosion I want to think about involves Audrey Tautou Jaime Pressly Jessica Alba (insert your name here) - get it right or you’re sleeping alone - Lady Scientist.

So help me out here. If the Italian courts decide Jesus existed, what did he blog about?