Part 1: The Albinos

Albinos are pissed about being portrayed as creepy criminals … again. This time in The Da Vinci Code.

Why does this happen every time we get a new villain? Terrorists have to be creepy Europeans now because it’s not Politcally Correct to use Muslims. Yeah, we all know there are lots of Prussian Christian Fundamentalists blowing up stuff. You think Back To The Future would have been as funny if we had Germans yelling “Nach einem Bier, kannst Du in mein Mund pissen?” *

No, we needed Muslims in a VW Microbus yelling “Allah Akbar” and watching midget porn, or whatever they were doing in the back of that thing. Libyans. With Russian RPGs in hand. Trying to steal plutonium. Now that, my friends, was movie accuracy - especially that part about a time-travelling DeLorean.

But pesky albinos are upset that, in The Da Vinci Code, one of their kind is portrayed as the bad guy. They think it demeans their condition. Let me tell you, there are only a few groups in America that it’s still okay to demean and I don’t think albinos are among them. For the record the groups it is still okay to make fun of without lawsuits are; white men, skinny chicks, southern men and Catholics. If albinos want to be added in to this illustrious company, they have to earn it. So I did some quick research and could only find a few recent examples of where albinos were the creepy bad guys:

The Da Vinci Code, 2006
Cold Mountain, 2003
The Matrix Reloaded, 2003
The Time Machine, 2002

Okay, that’s more than a few, especially considering a bunch more I never watched, but maybe that’s just a recent fad. So I looked back to the 1970s …

The Eiger Sanction, 1975
The Life And Times of Judge Roy Bean, 1972
The Omega Man, 1971

and a bunch more that I never watched. After that I stopped counting. Maybe they have a point. Still, in the course of all movies being made there has to be something different about the villain once in a while, so everyone should get tagged here and there. You don’t see me complaining because lots of movie villains are white men. Besides, without albinos we wouldn’t have had that Simpsons Halloween Special where Homer thinks Johnny and Edgar Winter are radioactive mutants and runs over them shouting, “Die, chalk-faced scum!” And you don’t think those guys were in on the joke? You think they picked the last name ‘Winter’ by coincidence? And that song, “Frankenstein”??? Sheesh. At least people knew how to laugh at themselves in the ’70s.

It isn’t all bad for albinoes. There are positive examples too. Oh wait, only one, and it is sort of a toss-up. Elric of Melniboné. I always thought Elric was kinda lame but I guess he was cool for the 1960s. But then so was Leonard Nimoy singing “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.”

I think albinos need to shut their pale-faced pie holes and be happy they get any attention at all. If we didn’t have albinos and skinny chicks then only southern men, white men and Catholics would be left to ridicule … which means, me and about five other guys in America would take all of the smack.

Part 2: The Sexy Skeleton Zombies

Some guy named DJ A.M. ( seriously ) broke up with Nicole Richie because she’s too thin. That’s right, because she is too skinny. This girl’s dad was a real musician and yet she dated this assclown who does nothing but queue up CDs - so, to me, a real charity case in the best of circumstances - and he dumped her. For being too thin. This baffles me. It’s like telling a girl, “I have to break up with you because the sex is too good” or “You make pie crusts too well. See ya.”

She is finally getting to look the way all women should look; like a sexy zombie skeleton. Or Rebecca Romijin, who made it back onto the interesting list because she likes it a little kinky. She used to look like this, but don’t get too excited. There are plenty of convenient edits in X-Men 3 to hide the fact that she’s no Nicole Richie these days:

She says she likes to be a dominatrix. How cute. I’d put up with that for about five seconds before I made her my toilet monkey.

Still, this blog is about who would win in a battle royale among two of the five most hated groups in America, skinny chicks or albinos. As a physics guru, I do a lot on computers so I wrote a simulator while watching Jackie Chan’s New Police Story last night and the results ( click on it to see it full size) are here:

Looks like the albino bad guys are better after all - so they have that going for them. And if it happens to be a really white male who wins overall, so much the better for my gender. We have to do something to keep that glass ceiling in place.

* Okay, do not actually say that in Germany.

There once were two girls, Betty and Veronica, who loved a boy. One was a cute blonde girl who didn’t like being called cute and one was a sexy brunette with big cans who wanted to be respected for her brains. The blonde girl liked the bad boys and the the brunette girl liked … the bad boys. Yes, even when they were over the age of 30, Betty and Veronica still liked the bad boys, which defies logic and common sense. That they both like the same bad boy makes even less sense.

So Betty marries a bad boy whose whose music I have never listened to, mostly because I don’t use hairspray. Veronica marries a bad boy with a penchant for hookers and cocaine. They both figured this would be a recipe for success, because bad boys love to be changed. Betty and Veronica learned a valuable lesson about why they should have fought over Archie instead.

Why bring this up? Because one of the science groupies in blogdom who lurk without commenting wrote me an email poem which quite cleverly referenced the whole David Spade/Heather Locklear madness of a few weeks ago. There is no more fitting allegory for Betty and Veronica than Heather Locklear and Denise Richards, which is why this parable needs two parts. The question via poem goes:

Cash, you are my final chance
Of finding the true happenstance

What I don’t understand is just why they
Can’t like one another, at the end of the day?

I agree about the baffling nature of this whole thing. You know things have gone crazy when the girl from Wild Things is trying to take the moral high ground.

And you know she is playing for keeps when all Charlie Sheen does is ask to see his kids and she demands it be in the presence of a police officer, calls him a pedophile, and tells the world he kills hookers.

Thus my answer, in rhyming verse:

You came to Cash, guru of physics
Who writes sexy equations and confounds his critics

My prediction is this, sure they’re all just plain crazies,
But their pussy’s are still purring, not pushing up daisies.

In other words, Betty and Veronica aren’t exactly done with their bad boys yet. And you can bet there will be a poem with updates in the future.

Argument 1: Ashlee Simpson is hotter than Jessica.

Yes, you read those mind-altering words here. Want to know why? Because Ashlee says so:

“I’m taller than she is and my legs are longer than hers … I got lucky because my chest size isn’t completely massive.”

Yeah, that’s right, she is hotter than her sister because she looks like a chicken and has small tits. They’re both sub-literate sock monkeys but what makes America great is that while other countries ( e.g. Belgium ) are still chucking spears and ingesting goat blood, we get to debate which one of them is hotter while we stare at this picture of Jessica firing a gun big enough to shoot down a jumbo jet:

Argument 2. Schools Are Better Today.

Sure, SAT scores have dropped so much they have to recalibrate them every 10 years to make it look like kids aren’t dumb, but that’s book knowledge. When it comes to practical, common-sense street smarts young people today are much smarter than I ever was. Or my parents. Why do I say that? Because kids today have sex like hopped-up bunnies.

As evidence we have stories about students getting into trouble for oral sex in the classroom and entrepreneurial college guys who didn’t want to go find a stripper so they got some girl down the hall to do it.

What does it tell you? Young people have figured out how to get laid. I can’t wait to see these guys running companies. The corporate world is absolutely nothing compared to the difficulty of trying to get laid as a teenager.

Argument 3. Paris Hilton is a friggin’ genius.

I’m inclined to think a skinny, dumb girl who looks like a cartoon cricket and has to issue press releases to deny that she pisses all over herself in cabs isn’t all that smart, but then I saw that she bought this $400,000 car and I am inclined to shake my head and think she must be pretty brilliant after all:

Argument 4. My Penis Is Larger Than The One Enrique Iglesias Is Sporting.

If you’re like me, your first thought was “Who the hell is Enrique Iglesias?” Then I remembered, yeah, he’s the guy married to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

No, wait, that isn’t him at all. This guy is apparently related to a famous singer … or he’s supposed to be some kind of singer himself. Anyway, when he lets slip to the world that he has trouble finding extra small condoms and then has to talk about how he doesn’t actually have a small penis, you know he has a small penis.

Long-time readers know that I, on the other hand, had to switch from Magnum to Magnum XL condoms at 15. And I was pissed because I still had seven of the regular ones left.

You have me to do it for you. And, oh yeah, AskMen.com. They did a handy Top Women of 2005 ranking a while ago but it was suspect because it lacked Jaime Pressly anywhere on it. They have at least corrected their gaffe this year, but they only corrected it because they made this list the most desirable women of 2006. I can only think of one woman more desirable than Jaime and if she is on anyone’s list I want them caught and shot now.

Jaime comes in at number 63 on their most desirable women of 2006 list , which means the men who voted have not seen Poison Ivy: The New Seduction or any of her other fine films.

I am including their handy top 10 list here. I don’t agree with most of them but the ones that were truly offensive I crossed out and replaced with the choices they should have made.

1. Jessica Alba Jaime Pressly

2. Sienna Miller

3. Angelina Jolie Rocio Guiaro Diaz

4. Adriana Lima Eva Mendes

5. Maria Menounos Roselyn Sanchez

6. Charlize Theron Molly Sims

7. Jessica Biel

8. Amerie Alessandra Ambrosio

9. Natalie Portman Jillian Barberie

10.Eva Longoria Monica Bellucci

Okay, I only agreed with two of their picks. Sienna Miller makes the list because she is the kind of hottie nutcase you can’t help but get excited about. And Jessica Biel has a face like a horse but she has a body so hot I think an angel dies every time I look at it for too long. Some of you will argue about Jessica Alba at number one. Heck, even her Into The Blue costar, Paul Walker, sat down with Complex magazine and had this to say about her:

“Come on, dude, you know what I’m looking at. I couldn’t take my eyes off that ass. I’m sorry. She’s beautiful. And she’s such a pain in my ass, too. But that’s what I love about her. She’s the kind of girl you just want to have angry sex with for the rest of your life because it’s just that good.”

Paul is clearly a man of refined intellect. But he doesn’t know women.
I’m with him on the angry sex thing though. Here’s a conversation I had with my chick when she was angry at me for something ridiculous, like wrecking Scarlett Johansson’s relationship a short while ago.

SHE: Why in the world would you cheat on me with some ditzy actress and then write about it … on your public blog?

ME: I didn’t cheat on you. I only nailed her.

SHE: Do you not see that is the worst possible answer?

ME: Sorry, yes, that wasn’t appropriate. “Nailed” was not a very considerate way to phrase it. I meant I only “nailed love to” her.

And then she threw my Joe DiMaggio signed baseball through a window and left in a huff. But I got my angry sexy later. Because I was pissed about that window.

Not that I read Cosmopolitan, but if I did, and it had an article about the ridiculous lengths women will go to in order to convince you they are hotter than they are, I would tell you about it. So I am. They even go so far as to boldly state that Jessica Simpson wore butt inserts to fill out her ‘daisy dukes.’ We have discussed it here before and determined she was the wrong person to be Daisy Duke anyway but let’s revisit it again.

Look at the girl on the left and then look at Jessica Simpson on the right and you decide:

And she’s just some girl I met last weekend at a Bolivian porno shoot. I can’t even remember her name so imagine if I was really trying to find a hot girl to wear a pair of shorts.