I guess the NY Times is just discovering that Halloween is the perfect time for women to let out their inner tramp.

Men knew this. Hell, we invented Halloween many years ago for no other reason than to get Celtic women out of those ill-fitting robes and into some cool outfits.

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Trust is an important element in any relationship. How do you establish trust? Naturally, you have her followed and break into her email.

But what if the paranoid wench drives like Steve McQueen and doesn’t use her cat’s name as her password? What then?

Science would rather light a candle than curse your darkness so I have devised a handy Tramp Calibration Meter. All you have to do is feed in some of the things she says about you and the Tramp Calibration Meter will tell you whether or not she is going to be faithful.

Let’s test it out. I picked Scarlett Johansson because I just read an interview with her and we can go step-by-step and see how the Tramp Calibration Meter works. For each statement of hers I will tell you what it registered.

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How To Understand Post-Feminist Sexual Politics

Ms. Magazine is publishing a “We Had Abortions” petition. I guess it’s supposed to be some stand for female empowerment - you know, since after only 35 million abortions Ms. Magazine still thinks they’re illegal. They should just save scientists some time and call it the “We Like To Screw And Won’t Hold You Hostage If The Condom Breaks” list. These women would get a lot more dates that way. Sometimes it’s all about presentation.

How To Understand The French

Iran is asking that France be the country to oversee its nuclear enrichment program. I am sure Iranians feel that is a real accolade for the French but the French probably wish they had been consulted first. Don’t get me wrong, France is totally capable of invading countries that are no threat to anyone outside their borders without UN approval. I like that about the French. It’s just that Ivory Coast is the only country small enough that they can get away with it. Next up, “Wife-Beating Husbands Request That Abused Women Oversee Their Rehabilitation.”

How To Win An Argument On Global Warming

CNN Anchor Miles O’Brien knows how - use a Hollywood movie as your information source. Senator James Inhofe, the chairman of the Environment and Public Works Committee, thinks the media is a little biased on the global warming thing and are trying to create hysteria. Not so, responded CNN. “This is “The Day After Tomorrow” scenario that we’re talking about,” O’Brien said after being confronted by Senator Inhofe on his climate reporting. He must think Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing” is actually the President.

Next up, I explain the magic of flight using science from the movie “WaterWorld.”

How To Make Sure You Raise A Nation Of Pussies

Norway is going to prohibit boys from standing and peeing. Weren’t these people friggin’ VIKINGS once? Now their women are making them pee sitting down. I sense a real decline in the Nordic porn industry once Nordic men forget how to pee standing up. Luckily for them Germany is nearby.

Okay, I can’t leave you with thoughts of nothing except Nordic men and Gloria Steinem, which pretty much means the same thing these days. So here is some good news: Americans swept the Nobel Prizes again.

And this picture has absolutely nothing to do with it:

WorldNetDaily is outraged at the modern culture of promiscuity that is exemplified by the number of female teachers seducing their young male science students. Yes, the cockblockers in some newspaper are trying to make it harder for you to get laid. As if getting laid in high school isn’t already difficult enough they want to take teachers out of the dating pool. Now, we can’t all be lucky enough to have Pamela Rogers as a teacher:

Click here to see the best video any teacher outside a Van Halen video ever made. Fortunately WorldNetDaily publishes the whole list of teachers who will have sex with students in one easy-to-read compilation. So, young science students, you know where to move. Thank me later.

WorldNetDaily is outraged at the modern culture of promiscuity that is exemplified by the number of female teachers seducing their young male science students.

Yes, the cockblockers in some newspaper are trying to make it harder for you to get laid. As if getting laid in high school isn’t already difficult enough they want to take teachers out of the dating pool.

Now, we can’t all be lucky enough to have Pamela Rogers as a teacher:

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