I’m usually a pretty patient guy about marketing. Unlike some, I am not educated by it and, unlike others, I don’t look down on it. I know why it it exists and I appreciate its value but at some point in advocacy issues ( in this case the environment ) it invariably crosses a line from being funny to offensive and then it goes completely over the line into being the kind of junk science that needs to be ridiculed.

My latest gripe is the claim that low energy bulbs are a magic panacea for the environment and that they are wonderful in all respects. I don’t use them and there are a few compelling reasons why you should focus on other ways to save the environment also.

The main reason I don’t use them is because I am not smug enough.

You know what I am talking about. Who actually laughed at those Apple television ads where the smug, hipster guy is the Apple user and the buffoon uses a PC? It takes some true marketing incompetence to make Microsoft seem lovable but they did it. The only people who liked those ads were Apple users, who are already smug.

Now we have commercials where a hip CFL bulb guilt trips a traditional light bulb in the same condescending manner - and without about the same level of actual data behind it. It will sell some lightbulbs - and maybe make your cat insane, but we’ll get to that in a minute. First, let’s discuss light.

The whole point of light bulbs was to give us daylight at night - at first, anything was better than dark but we later discovered that the closer you can get to natural light, the better off you will be. Here is a chart showing the light spectrum, including daylight, incandescent and fluorescent bulbs.

(more…)

It confuses some people that I can be an environmentalist and a Republican. It’s confusing because Democrats are handed a checklist of “coalition of the oppressed” platforms they have to believe in, so they don’t understand picking and choosing positions based on logic and common sense. Republicans don’t much care if you are for ice-picking fetus skulls or paying high taxes, as long as you have an oil well in your backyard and all of your TV channels parent-blocked except Fox News. Republicans have a pretty big umbrella that way, mostly because rich white guys can only buy so many votes and thus they have to broaden their appeal.

So people are confused that I can think Al Gore is an opportunistic shill mobilizing the left with deceit and still care about good old Mama Earth. Well, I do, but instead of asking someone to nationalize Exxon or fly airplanes all over the world telling people they should ride bicycles, I do practical things. Small differences add up to big effects. And I can show you how to make a difference too.

Everyone likes to talk about making a difference but no one is really sure what works. Carbon credits? Scam. Carbon offsets? Scam, only liable to make you rich, so worthy of consideration. But while you get rich selling carbon offsets to suckers on Craigs List, how can you legitimately lower your carbon footprint yet maintain the decadent western lifestyle you’ve come to enjoy?

The answer is simple, my fellow environmentalists: fruit power.

(more…)

I saw a press release about a global warming ‘virtual march’ ( we’ll get back to that ) and a tour being conducted by Laurie David ( married to “Seinfeld” co-creator Larry David and thus an expert on climate science, also founder of the website that put out the press release ) and Sheryl Crow called the “Stop Global Warming College Tour” beginning April 9th in Dallas.

I was itching to find more information about it and, other than discovering they were going to show clips from Al Gore’s movie ( yeah, no college student will have seen that ) and Sheryl Crow would sing a few songs at each stop, the only interesting thing I came across was an article in something called the Post Chronicle where the author makes a joking reference to a “girls gone green” tour likely being a better idea. You know, kind of like “Girls Gone Wild” except the beads they get are made of hemp - and they hopefully won’t be chunky sorority sisters on drunken binges.

You mean they haven’t done something like that yet??? No one would ever have heard of PETA if they didn’t go on trial for killing homeless pets and get aging supermodels like Christy Turlington ( perhaps NSFW ) to pose naked in their advertisements.

(more…)

Population science is more art than science so you can count on me to be a little skeptical. However, there are times when the numbers are just too alarming and we have to mobilize for action.

What is this looming population catastrophe? It’s Elvis impersonators. Even the Center for Disease Control has sounded the alarm about this issue.  If the CDC is worried about an issue, so am I.

When Elvis Presley died in 1977, there were an estimated 37 Elvis impersonators in the world. By 1993, there were 48,000 Elvis impersonators, an exponential increase. Extrapolating from this, by 2010 there will be 2.5 billion Elvis impersonators. The population of the world will be 7.5 billion by 2010. Every 3rd person will be an Elvis impersonator by 2010. - Source: Caen, H., San Francisco Chronicle; October 27, 1993

That’s right, people. 1 in 3. We don’t have a lot of time to act.

(more…)

How To Understand Post-Feminist Sexual Politics

Ms. Magazine is publishing a “We Had Abortions” petition. I guess it’s supposed to be some stand for female empowerment - you know, since after only 35 million abortions Ms. Magazine still thinks they’re illegal. They should just save scientists some time and call it the “We Like To Screw And Won’t Hold You Hostage If The Condom Breaks” list. These women would get a lot more dates that way. Sometimes it’s all about presentation.

How To Understand The French

Iran is asking that France be the country to oversee its nuclear enrichment program. I am sure Iranians feel that is a real accolade for the French but the French probably wish they had been consulted first. Don’t get me wrong, France is totally capable of invading countries that are no threat to anyone outside their borders without UN approval. I like that about the French. It’s just that Ivory Coast is the only country small enough that they can get away with it. Next up, “Wife-Beating Husbands Request That Abused Women Oversee Their Rehabilitation.”

How To Win An Argument On Global Warming

CNN Anchor Miles O’Brien knows how - use a Hollywood movie as your information source. Senator James Inhofe, the chairman of the Environment and Public Works Committee, thinks the media is a little biased on the global warming thing and are trying to create hysteria. Not so, responded CNN. “This is “The Day After Tomorrow” scenario that we’re talking about,” O’Brien said after being confronted by Senator Inhofe on his climate reporting. He must think Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing” is actually the President.

Next up, I explain the magic of flight using science from the movie “WaterWorld.”

How To Make Sure You Raise A Nation Of Pussies

Norway is going to prohibit boys from standing and peeing. Weren’t these people friggin’ VIKINGS once? Now their women are making them pee sitting down. I sense a real decline in the Nordic porn industry once Nordic men forget how to pee standing up. Luckily for them Germany is nearby.

Okay, I can’t leave you with thoughts of nothing except Nordic men and Gloria Steinem, which pretty much means the same thing these days. So here is some good news: Americans swept the Nobel Prizes again.

And this picture has absolutely nothing to do with it: