Trust is an important element in any relationship. How do you establish trust? Naturally, you have her followed and break into her email.

But what if the paranoid wench drives like Steve McQueen and doesn’t use her cat’s name as her password? What then?

Science would rather light a candle than curse your darkness so I have devised a handy Tramp Calibration Meter. All you have to do is feed in some of the things she says about you and the Tramp Calibration Meter will tell you whether or not she is going to be faithful.

Let’s test it out. I picked Scarlett Johansson because I just read an interview with her and we can go step-by-step and see how the Tramp Calibration Meter works. For each statement of hers I will tell you what it registered.

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John Tierney of the Times writes:

I went to Garth Sundem, the wickedly ingenious author of Geek Logik, a new book of mathematical formulas for deciding questions like whether you should sleep with a co-worker, whether you should join a gym or see a therapist, and whether you can wear a Speedo without frightening small children.

I asked Sundem to set his sights even higher. The result of our labors (well, mostly his labors, but I want a piece of this scientific breakthrough) is the Sundem/Tierney Unified Celebrity Theory, an equation for predicting the odds that a celebrity marriage will last.

By comparing the many failed marriages with the few successes (like Johnny Cash and June Carter, or Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward), Sundem identified telltale factors likes celebrities’ ages, marital track records and levels of fame.

Younger couples have worse prospects than older couples do, particularly if they rush to the altar before getting to know each other. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have only a 1 percent chance of making it to their fifth anniversary, according to our equation, and the most famously impetuous young couple of all, Romeo and Juliet, would have had zero chance of lasting five years.

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First, Christina Aguilera got married and gave hope to ugly guys everywhere, and I was okay with that. But now Lost star Evangeline Lilly has gotten engaged to a Hobbit.

What’s the point of doing all this work to look like … well, me … when squeaky little British guys can get women who look like this:

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A week or so ago Sweety is sitting around reading People ( which I don’t think anyone over the age of 30 should do, but if that’s her only vice, whatever ) and Jennifer Aniston is on the cover. So I say, “Nice of her and Vince Vaughn to be so discreet. And Brad Pitt is definitely winning that battle.”

She doesn’t look up. She has been through this kind of thing about 8 bazillion times - because I keep count. “What do you mean?” she asks. Because she is inherently polite.

I say, “Well, Brad Pitt went from Jennifer Aniston to Angelina Jolie. About the same in looks but way over the top on the deviant sex scale. Aniston went from Brad Pitt to … Vince Vaughn. Not really a step up.”

“But how do you go up from Brad Pitt?” she asks.

I stew on that for a minute. Then I say, “What the hell does that mean, how do you go up from Brad Pitt? I am better than Brad Pitt.”

She doesn’t miss a beat. “Yeah, but Jennifer can’t have you. You’re taken.”