Be sure to enjoy a wholesome Crusade. I know I will:

Even if you don’t admire my Photoshop skills, you have to admit I don’t look as silly as a British guy who signs up to be crucified and then claims God told him at the last minute not to do it.

Maybe I’m crazy but I bet God didn’t have as much to do with it as watching nine Filipinos before him get whipped and nailed to crosses. That would make me get down on my knees and have a religious epiphany too.

How did the crowd react? They boo’ed him, of course. If I go all that way to see radical Catholics re-enact the Crucifixion you can bet nothing would make me happier than seeing some smarmy British journalists take some spikes to the hands.

Did I see this coming because she has an Oscar and forgot to mention him when she received it?

No.

Did I see it coming because a girl who looks like this should have stepped up to someone who does not look like her little sister a long time ago?

No, that’s not it either, but a good guess. After all, studies have shown that if you look more feminine than your wife, she will find a man instead.

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Population science is more art than science so you can count on me to be a little skeptical. However, there are times when the numbers are just too alarming and we have to mobilize for action.

What is this looming population catastrophe? It’s Elvis impersonators. Even the Center for Disease Control has sounded the alarm about this issue.  If the CDC is worried about an issue, so am I.

When Elvis Presley died in 1977, there were an estimated 37 Elvis impersonators in the world. By 1993, there were 48,000 Elvis impersonators, an exponential increase. Extrapolating from this, by 2010 there will be 2.5 billion Elvis impersonators. The population of the world will be 7.5 billion by 2010. Every 3rd person will be an Elvis impersonator by 2010. - Source: Caen, H., San Francisco Chronicle; October 27, 1993

That’s right, people. 1 in 3. We don’t have a lot of time to act.

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Seriously, I did not originate that headline.

Clearly, I have nothing against vaginas, since I wrote articles talking about how women were using evolution to create two vaginas and enchant twice as many men at the same time and how the new James Bond got that job thanks to the magic of Sienna Miller’s career-enhancing vagina but I am not completely obsessed with them either.

I actually kind of wish I had written that headline but, no, it was written in something called “The OC Weekly” - “O.C.” is what Orange County people would like to be called, because it sounds cooler than Orange County. It’s still a lame cousin to L.A. - heck, even the Angels changed their name to “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” to avoid the Orange County stigma.

But even if the place is lame the writer for the magazine came up with a pretty good article. I don’t usually endorse other articles here because that would cost me my $.05 on Google AdSense - and I will need to buy a DVD some time in 2009 so I really need that money. But with a subtitle like “Even for battle-worn sluts, genitals are a difficult thing to contend with” it’s bound to be a pretty good read.

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Sometimes people think that, because I write this column for peanuts, I am somehow available for free science consulting services. Obviously this is not the case but I don’t mind the occasional question, especially if it concerns real puzzles like how a car in China doesn’t cause global warming but a car in America does.

Lately I have been pestered with questions about this whole Christmas thing. It’s a troublesome issue, I agree, but I am not in the free science business so most of the questions I just ignore - however, one of the many,many,many (not that many - Lady Scientist ) groupies that flitter about me on the internet caught my attention recently with their query about Yule physics because they had the creativity to put it in seasonal rhyming form;

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