Groundbreaking – and heartwarmingly unessential – research done by University of Central Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou has attempted to confirm what a generation of suicide girls has always feared – that vampires do not exist.

His reasoning? On Jan 1, 1600, the human population was just over 530 million people. If one vampire existed on that day and bit one person per month, and then each new vampire also bit one person per month, by 1605 the entire planet would be nothing except vampires.

Now, I am okay with there being no vampires, though I think the world would be poorer without that cinema classic, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

And, without vampires, I would not be able to spend 4 seconds scouring the internet and find pictures like this:

(more…)

Groundbreaking – and heartwarmingly unessential – research done by University of Central Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou has attempted to confirm what a generation of suicide girls has always feared – that vampires do not exist.

His reasoning? On Jan 1, 1600, the human population was just over 530 million people. If one vampire existed on that day and bit one person per month, and then each new vampire also bit one person per month, by 1605 the entire planet would be nothing except vampires.

Now, I am okay with there being no vampires, though I think the world would be poorer without that cinema classic, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

And, without vampires, I would not be able to spend 4 seconds scouring the internet and find pictures like this:

Argument 1: Ashlee Simpson is hotter than Jessica.

Yes, you read those mind-altering words here. Want to know why? Because Ashlee says so:

“I’m taller than she is and my legs are longer than hers … I got lucky because my chest size isn’t completely massive.”

Yeah, that’s right, she is hotter than her sister because she looks like a chicken and has small tits. They’re both sub-literate sock monkeys but what makes America great is that while other countries ( e.g. Belgium ) are still chucking spears and ingesting goat blood, we get to debate which one of them is hotter while we stare at this picture of Jessica firing a gun big enough to shoot down a jumbo jet:

Argument 2. Schools Are Better Today.

Sure, SAT scores have dropped so much they have to recalibrate them every 10 years to make it look like kids aren’t dumb, but that’s book knowledge. When it comes to practical, common-sense street smarts young people today are much smarter than I ever was. Or my parents. Why do I say that? Because kids today have sex like hopped-up bunnies.

As evidence we have stories about students getting into trouble for oral sex in the classroom and entrepreneurial college guys who didn’t want to go find a stripper so they got some girl down the hall to do it.

What does it tell you? Young people have figured out how to get laid. I can’t wait to see these guys running companies. The corporate world is absolutely nothing compared to the difficulty of trying to get laid as a teenager.

Argument 3. Paris Hilton is a friggin’ genius.

I’m inclined to think a skinny, dumb girl who looks like a cartoon cricket and has to issue press releases to deny that she pisses all over herself in cabs isn’t all that smart, but then I saw that she bought this $400,000 car and I am inclined to shake my head and think she must be pretty brilliant after all:

Argument 4. My Penis Is Larger Than The One Enrique Iglesias Is Sporting.

If you’re like me, your first thought was “Who the hell is Enrique Iglesias?” Then I remembered, yeah, he’s the guy married to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

No, wait, that isn’t him at all. This guy is apparently related to a famous singer … or he’s supposed to be some kind of singer himself. Anyway, when he lets slip to the world that he has trouble finding extra small condoms and then has to talk about how he doesn’t actually have a small penis, you know he has a small penis.

Long-time readers know that I, on the other hand, had to switch from Magnum to Magnum XL condoms at 15. And I was pissed because I still had seven of the regular ones left.

If you’re like me, your first thought was “Who the hell is Enrique Iglesias?” Then I remembered, yeah, he’s the guy married to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

No, wait, that isn’t him at all. This guy is apparently related to a famous singer … or he’s supposed to be some kind of singer himself. But that isn’t what made him famous. Being on this blog made him famous. Why is he on this blog? For being the kind of attention-lusting famewhore who goes out of his way to tell the world he has a small penis and then has to talk about how he doesn’t actually have a small penis.

I am betting he does. When a guy goes out of his way to tell you it’s a hassle being unable to find extra-small condoms, he is sending a message. I am betting he didn’t have to send the message to his girlfriend, named Anna Kournikova. I think she would be famous too, if she were either hot or a good tennis player. Instead, she is famous for dating famous people.

And isn’t she Russian? I bet she doesn’t need to be told he is extra small. My brother had sex with a Russian supermodel once and she made him stop so she could look at it. I am telling you, Russian men must be huge.