Argument 1: Ashlee Simpson is hotter than Jessica.

Yes, you read those mind-altering words here. Want to know why? Because Ashlee says so:

“I’m taller than she is and my legs are longer than hers … I got lucky because my chest size isn’t completely massive.”

Yeah, that’s right, she is hotter than her sister because she looks like a chicken and has small tits. They’re both sub-literate sock monkeys but what makes America great is that while other countries ( e.g. Belgium ) are still chucking spears and ingesting goat blood, we get to debate which one of them is hotter while we stare at this picture of Jessica firing a gun big enough to shoot down a jumbo jet:

Argument 2. Schools Are Better Today.

Sure, SAT scores have dropped so much they have to recalibrate them every 10 years to make it look like kids aren’t dumb, but that’s book knowledge. When it comes to practical, common-sense street smarts young people today are much smarter than I ever was. Or my parents. Why do I say that? Because kids today have sex like hopped-up bunnies.

As evidence we have stories about students getting into trouble for oral sex in the classroom and entrepreneurial college guys who didn’t want to go find a stripper so they got some girl down the hall to do it.

What does it tell you? Young people have figured out how to get laid. I can’t wait to see these guys running companies. The corporate world is absolutely nothing compared to the difficulty of trying to get laid as a teenager.

Argument 3. Paris Hilton is a friggin’ genius.

I’m inclined to think a skinny, dumb girl who looks like a cartoon cricket and has to issue press releases to deny that she pisses all over herself in cabs isn’t all that smart, but then I saw that she bought this $400,000 car and I am inclined to shake my head and think she must be pretty brilliant after all:

Argument 4. My Penis Is Larger Than The One Enrique Iglesias Is Sporting.

If you’re like me, your first thought was “Who the hell is Enrique Iglesias?” Then I remembered, yeah, he’s the guy married to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

No, wait, that isn’t him at all. This guy is apparently related to a famous singer … or he’s supposed to be some kind of singer himself. Anyway, when he lets slip to the world that he has trouble finding extra small condoms and then has to talk about how he doesn’t actually have a small penis, you know he has a small penis.

Long-time readers know that I, on the other hand, had to switch from Magnum to Magnum XL condoms at 15. And I was pissed because I still had seven of the regular ones left.

This is twice in a week that I don’t even need to make a joke for my posts to be funny. Be shocked and amazed at an odd casting idea here. And thank you to David Hasselhoff and Paris Hilton for making my job so easy.

Director T. Rajeevnath said he was impressed when he read a report in which the hotel heiress said she had refused to pose nude in Playboy and decided to see about casting her in his biopic. Let me see if I understand this; not posing nude for money made her qualified to play Mother Teresa? What about the 38 million pictures of her naked available for free on the internet? So just for science I Googled ‘Paris Hilton nude’ again and this time my computer made some kind of horrid, screeching noise and shut off. And then I got a cornea transplant. I tell you, some sacrifices are too great to make just so you can be entertained on my blog.

I’m all for famewhores like Paris Hilton but I am not sure what she is thinking when she turns down Playboy and then gets naked in bars for free. If you’re anything like me, or any of 3 billion other men out there, you spend a great deal of time wondering what women are thinking and why it seems to make no sense. They do studies on symptoms, of course, but no real studies on causes. This study, for example, tells us that married South Korean are the least happy with their sex lives. I believe that. I have been to Seoul plenty of times and I can barely sleep at night because all of the married Korean women knocking on my hotel door begging for orgasms. And Cheez-Doodles. But that doesn’t explain much about why these women are so unhappy or why most women make no sense. It only tells us something about the size of Korean mens’ penises.

Brett Ratner of Rush Hour directing fame, got so upset by an argument with his date he had to be rushed to the hospital. This guy can take the stress of helming a $100 million motion picture but he can’t figure out his chick’s moods without paramedics on stand-by.

Heck, Simon Cowell is even willing to sleep with Paula Abdul to keep the peace on American Idol.

Men’s Health and I come to the rescue. How am I helping? By telling you the four distinct phases in a man/woman relationship so you can react accordingly once you know where you are. For further wisdom, consult A Physicist’s Guide To Relationships. Because we all know that love is a matter of chemistry and sex is a matter of physics. And no one ever left a relationship because the sex was good.

The four phases to a successful relationship:

1) She is dazzled by your great physique, good looks and charm.
2) She is overwhelmed by your passion and sense of romance.
3) She takes you for granted because she is insecure and self-destructive so you dump her.
4) She spends the rest of her life trying to get you back.

See? Isn’t that simple? You can even carry this in your wallet to show to her when she is unsure which phase she is in.

Oh yeah, and they help too. For their part, they did this handy article on exactly what is going on inside womens’ heads. It details what a girl was thinking the first time she met a guy, before their first date, etc. It’s invaluable.

But not as invaluable as my blog.

You have me to do it for you. And, oh yeah, AskMen.com. They did a handy Top Women of 2005 ranking a while ago but it was suspect because it lacked Jaime Pressly anywhere on it. They have at least corrected their gaffe this year, but they only corrected it because they made this list the most desirable women of 2006. I can only think of one woman more desirable than Jaime and if she is on anyone’s list I want them caught and shot now.

Jaime comes in at number 63 on their most desirable women of 2006 list , which means the men who voted have not seen Poison Ivy: The New Seduction or any of her other fine films.

I am including their handy top 10 list here. I don’t agree with most of them but the ones that were truly offensive I crossed out and replaced with the choices they should have made.

1. Jessica Alba Jaime Pressly

2. Sienna Miller

3. Angelina Jolie Rocio Guiaro Diaz

4. Adriana Lima Eva Mendes

5. Maria Menounos Roselyn Sanchez

6. Charlize Theron Molly Sims

7. Jessica Biel

8. Amerie Alessandra Ambrosio

9. Natalie Portman Jillian Barberie

10.Eva Longoria Monica Bellucci

Okay, I only agreed with two of their picks. Sienna Miller makes the list because she is the kind of hottie nutcase you can’t help but get excited about. And Jessica Biel has a face like a horse but she has a body so hot I think an angel dies every time I look at it for too long. Some of you will argue about Jessica Alba at number one. Heck, even her Into The Blue costar, Paul Walker, sat down with Complex magazine and had this to say about her:

“Come on, dude, you know what I’m looking at. I couldn’t take my eyes off that ass. I’m sorry. She’s beautiful. And she’s such a pain in my ass, too. But that’s what I love about her. She’s the kind of girl you just want to have angry sex with for the rest of your life because it’s just that good.”

Paul is clearly a man of refined intellect. But he doesn’t know women.
I’m with him on the angry sex thing though. Here’s a conversation I had with my chick when she was angry at me for something ridiculous, like wrecking Scarlett Johansson’s relationship a short while ago.

SHE: Why in the world would you cheat on me with some ditzy actress and then write about it … on your public blog?

ME: I didn’t cheat on you. I only nailed her.

SHE: Do you not see that is the worst possible answer?

ME: Sorry, yes, that wasn’t appropriate. “Nailed” was not a very considerate way to phrase it. I meant I only “nailed love to” her.

And then she threw my Joe DiMaggio signed baseball through a window and left in a huff. But I got my angry sexy later. Because I was pissed about that window.

Not that I read Cosmopolitan, but if I did, and it had an article about the ridiculous lengths women will go to in order to convince you they are hotter than they are, I would tell you about it. So I am. They even go so far as to boldly state that Jessica Simpson wore butt inserts to fill out her ‘daisy dukes.’ We have discussed it here before and determined she was the wrong person to be Daisy Duke anyway but let’s revisit it again.

Look at the girl on the left and then look at Jessica Simpson on the right and you decide:

And she’s just some girl I met last weekend at a Bolivian porno shoot. I can’t even remember her name so imagine if I was really trying to find a hot girl to wear a pair of shorts.

If you’re like me, your first thought was “Who the hell is Enrique Iglesias?” Then I remembered, yeah, he’s the guy married to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

No, wait, that isn’t him at all. This guy is apparently related to a famous singer … or he’s supposed to be some kind of singer himself. But that isn’t what made him famous. Being on this blog made him famous. Why is he on this blog? For being the kind of attention-lusting famewhore who goes out of his way to tell the world he has a small penis and then has to talk about how he doesn’t actually have a small penis.

I am betting he does. When a guy goes out of his way to tell you it’s a hassle being unable to find extra-small condoms, he is sending a message. I am betting he didn’t have to send the message to his girlfriend, named Anna Kournikova. I think she would be famous too, if she were either hot or a good tennis player. Instead, she is famous for dating famous people.

And isn’t she Russian? I bet she doesn’t need to be told he is extra small. My brother had sex with a Russian supermodel once and she made him stop so she could look at it. I am telling you, Russian men must be huge.