Just this once, we need to talk about something serious. I know it’s easy for people to have a knee-jerk reaction to the problems of others and just start laughing but we’re all adults here. So I am going to bring this up and then we can discuss the underlying issues and what we, as a society, can do to help.

You see, I just discovered that Dennis Quaid has “manorexia.” Sometimes he looks in the mirror and realizes he is 50 years old and he doesn’t feel beautiful. And I have a confession to make, because Dennis Quaid’s bravery under the intense pressure of society’s unrealistic media-based expectations has inspired me:

I have manorexia too.

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It looks like the kid gloves, and the bibs, are coming off in New York City. The thing that advocates of good food have long feared is about to happen; New York City will be the first to ban trans fatty acids.

Know why McDonald’s fries tasted better when you were a kid? Trans fatty acids - and a lot of salt. Do they taste as good today? Of course not. The only people who think they taste just as good today hated them all along. It’s like people who eat veggie burgers telling you they’re just as good as beef. Or that Rocio Guario Diaz is just as good as Adriana Lima:

Well, maybe they have something there.

Now this isn’t a done deal yet. They’re going to hold a public hearing, blah, blah, blah. This is just a formality. People who want to eat trans fatty acids are going to be at a Burger King gorging themselves on Big Mac’s or whatever the hell they serve there so the only ones showing up for this hearing are crazy activists who pretty much exist to make the rest of us miserable. That means the ban is going through.

I believe in keeping power with the people so I walked outside and stopped some pedestrians and asked what they thought of the idea:

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Nothing says funny like X-Ray glasses.

And scientists are nothing if not funny. Take those fun-loving guys at Stanford University’s Linear Accelerator Center (SLAC) in Menlo Park, California. They know that Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory in Illinois will be shut down by 2010 and that scientists are determined to have the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) operating in Geneva by 2007. That means the pressure is on if the USA is going to be allowed the privilege of over-paying around $9 billion for the International Linear Collider (ILC), which should begin engineering in 2010.

The guys at SLAC knew they needed to be bold. To quote from the greatest movie ever made; “No bucks, no Buck Rogers.”

So what did they do to make a bold splash and get Americans excited about physics again? Did they hire Elisabeth Shue and have her invent cold fusion to solve all of our energy problems?

No.

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A Physicists Guide To Relationship Advice

I get a lot of acquaintances and friends that ask me for relationship advice. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because the line of women waiting to offer me their vaginas is so long it can be seen from space. Or maybe it’s because I am happy all of the time. If I am happy all of the time, it’s because I probably know some things they don’t know. The first thing to know in relationships is where you stand and the second thing is not to expect too much from the other person. I can’t help you with not expecting too much but I can tell you where you stand. To find that out, science comes to the rescue.

40 million people a year meet via the internet so this probably counts for that medium too, though I am betting the bad percentages are a lot higher. I met someone from the internet once and it went just about as well as it can go but your mileage may vary.

So here are the facts:

* British and Australian men drink too much. And admit it. That means they drink a lot more than they are admitting. So if you date one of them, don’t start complaining about it.

* 80% of Brazilian and Mexican men lied about their relationship status. Why would they bother? Brazilian and Mexican women assume they are lying and don’t care. Telling the truth might be a goldmine. Kind of like being a straight guy in San Francisco. Sure, women may assume you are gay at first but …

* 70% of German women lied about their relationship status. Which tells you what you need to know about German men. On the other hand, with 70% of German women you can’t tell what gender they are anyway.

* 50% of Italian and German men lied about income to attract the opposite sex. This explains why most German women continue to shop around. It doesn’t explain anything at all about Italian men that you didn’t already know. Namely, that they are hound dogs. I went to Italy with my chick and had to walk next to her with a hockey stick to get them to stop “Buongiorno”-ing her every five seconds.

* 40% of Portugese men rated intelligence over appearance. Not a single Australian respondent said that. So we know that 40% of Portugese lie and that Australian men are honest about both their drinking and that they only like you for your looks. Which is scary, if you have seen Australian women.

* 63% of men and women in the USA specified humor as the most important factor in their attraction to the opposite sex. Which tells you that this survey is full of crap. 73% of Canadians said the same thing, so at least Americans aren’t as full of crap as Canadians.

Finally, I will throw in some personal insight on navigating relationships. Here is a paraphrased transcript from a conversation I had a few weeks ago so you know what not to do:

ME: If I don’t go to Detroit, can you help me throw a Super Bowl party even though my team just crushed yours? I’ll buy you stuff.
SHE: I want cash.
ME: Sweet. Can I bring it all in ones? I set up a stripper pole in the 3rd car garage.
SHE: Now I want more cash.
ME: Hmmm. That plan backfired.
SHE: But I will let you watch the game. Provided you keep it muted. And I am in Asia on business.
ME: You’re trying to make me screw a whore in Windsor, Canada on Super Bowl Sunday, aren’t you?

You can bet that list bit of well-intentioned humor came with a price tag. Luckily, Playboy is doing its part to help me find a replacement girl on the internet, if needed. They can help you too. Once you find her, all you have to do is tell her she has a sense of humor - 63% of the time. And teeth like Bugs Bunny. At least that worked for me and Kate Beckinsale.

Download the full Harlequin Romance Report 2006 here.