This study says obesity harms more women than men while this study says hungry men like fat women.

Do I need to spell that out for you? No, it isn’t that hungry men like to eat fat women, it’s that hungry men know fat women have food in the house.

Claire Forlani, on the other hand, isn’t worried about being too thin or not having a man, she lays awake at night worrying about water. She says there isn’t enough of it and she can’t sleep because she thinks about it too much. Says Claire, “I have this daily moment of imagining life without water and it terrifies me.”

I am with you, Claire. I lay awake terrified about a world without actresses saying dumb things. Then I wouldn’t have anything funny to write about.

Al Gore, on the other hand, thinks more water would be bad so he is against global warming that would melt any ice. Scientists that are employed outside government or schools and thus have to work for a living don’t really like what Al Gore is doing with science. If Al Gore had been tribal leader 3,000 years ago and the tribe got big and we started running out of animals to hunt, Al Gore would have said we need to hunt fewer animals.

Scientists would have said we should grow our own livestock and forget hunting. Then every hungry man could find the fat woman of his dreams and we wouldn’t need politicians. Thus, scientists don’t believe that smarmy know-it-alls flying fuel-guzzling jets all over the world to tell us we should be riding bicycles is a good thing.

Not all women lie awake at night thinking about Al Gore in a fur loincloth circa 1000 BC or Claire Forlani’s water issues - some think about other things. Carnie Wilson lies awake at night thinking about donuts. But they don’t make her afraid, they make her horny.

We already answered why hungry men like obese women and I think Carnie Wilson answers how obesity harms women more than men. If Carnie Wilson keeps thinking about those donuts, she will never date a scientist. We refuse to rank second to pastries on the horniness scale.

When people think of scientists, they don’t often picture neo-Nazis or whatever exactly the Aryan brotherhood is today. Because neo-Nazis are often bald and moody and disdainful of people they feel are inferior …

Uh oh.  Well, not all scientists are bald.

Never mind that for now. We’re usually not inclined to make the Aryan brotherhood honorary scientists because of that whole setting-people-on-fire thing they do but science is nothing if not objective so we have to give them credit where it’s earned. What did they do to earn such lofty status?

Well, they got scientifically old-school by breaking out cryptography from the time of Shakespeare.   A few things still hold up from those days; Shakespeare, Sir Francis Bacon’s binary alphabet, and the world’s first super-hottie, Queen Elizabeth I:

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Argument 1: Ashlee Simpson is hotter than Jessica.

Yes, you read those mind-altering words here. Want to know why? Because Ashlee says so:

“I’m taller than she is and my legs are longer than hers … I got lucky because my chest size isn’t completely massive.”

Yeah, that’s right, she is hotter than her sister because she looks like a chicken and has small tits. They’re both sub-literate sock monkeys but what makes America great is that while other countries ( e.g. Belgium ) are still chucking spears and ingesting goat blood, we get to debate which one of them is hotter while we stare at this picture of Jessica firing a gun big enough to shoot down a jumbo jet:

Argument 2. Schools Are Better Today.

Sure, SAT scores have dropped so much they have to recalibrate them every 10 years to make it look like kids aren’t dumb, but that’s book knowledge. When it comes to practical, common-sense street smarts young people today are much smarter than I ever was. Or my parents. Why do I say that? Because kids today have sex like hopped-up bunnies.

As evidence we have stories about students getting into trouble for oral sex in the classroom and entrepreneurial college guys who didn’t want to go find a stripper so they got some girl down the hall to do it.

What does it tell you? Young people have figured out how to get laid. I can’t wait to see these guys running companies. The corporate world is absolutely nothing compared to the difficulty of trying to get laid as a teenager.

Argument 3. Paris Hilton is a friggin’ genius.

I’m inclined to think a skinny, dumb girl who looks like a cartoon cricket and has to issue press releases to deny that she pisses all over herself in cabs isn’t all that smart, but then I saw that she bought this $400,000 car and I am inclined to shake my head and think she must be pretty brilliant after all:

Argument 4. My Penis Is Larger Than The One Enrique Iglesias Is Sporting.

If you’re like me, your first thought was “Who the hell is Enrique Iglesias?” Then I remembered, yeah, he’s the guy married to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

No, wait, that isn’t him at all. This guy is apparently related to a famous singer … or he’s supposed to be some kind of singer himself. Anyway, when he lets slip to the world that he has trouble finding extra small condoms and then has to talk about how he doesn’t actually have a small penis, you know he has a small penis.

Long-time readers know that I, on the other hand, had to switch from Magnum to Magnum XL condoms at 15. And I was pissed because I still had seven of the regular ones left.

You have me to do it for you. And, oh yeah, AskMen.com. They did a handy Top Women of 2005 ranking a while ago but it was suspect because it lacked Jaime Pressly anywhere on it. They have at least corrected their gaffe this year, but they only corrected it because they made this list the most desirable women of 2006. I can only think of one woman more desirable than Jaime and if she is on anyone’s list I want them caught and shot now.

Jaime comes in at number 63 on their most desirable women of 2006 list , which means the men who voted have not seen Poison Ivy: The New Seduction or any of her other fine films.

I am including their handy top 10 list here. I don’t agree with most of them but the ones that were truly offensive I crossed out and replaced with the choices they should have made.

1. Jessica Alba Jaime Pressly

2. Sienna Miller

3. Angelina Jolie Rocio Guiaro Diaz

4. Adriana Lima Eva Mendes

5. Maria Menounos Roselyn Sanchez

6. Charlize Theron Molly Sims

7. Jessica Biel

8. Amerie Alessandra Ambrosio

9. Natalie Portman Jillian Barberie

10.Eva Longoria Monica Bellucci

Okay, I only agreed with two of their picks. Sienna Miller makes the list because she is the kind of hottie nutcase you can’t help but get excited about. And Jessica Biel has a face like a horse but she has a body so hot I think an angel dies every time I look at it for too long. Some of you will argue about Jessica Alba at number one. Heck, even her Into The Blue costar, Paul Walker, sat down with Complex magazine and had this to say about her:

“Come on, dude, you know what I’m looking at. I couldn’t take my eyes off that ass. I’m sorry. She’s beautiful. And she’s such a pain in my ass, too. But that’s what I love about her. She’s the kind of girl you just want to have angry sex with for the rest of your life because it’s just that good.”

Paul is clearly a man of refined intellect. But he doesn’t know women.
I’m with him on the angry sex thing though. Here’s a conversation I had with my chick when she was angry at me for something ridiculous, like wrecking Scarlett Johansson’s relationship a short while ago.

SHE: Why in the world would you cheat on me with some ditzy actress and then write about it … on your public blog?

ME: I didn’t cheat on you. I only nailed her.

SHE: Do you not see that is the worst possible answer?

ME: Sorry, yes, that wasn’t appropriate. “Nailed” was not a very considerate way to phrase it. I meant I only “nailed love to” her.

And then she threw my Joe DiMaggio signed baseball through a window and left in a huff. But I got my angry sexy later. Because I was pissed about that window.

Not that I read Cosmopolitan, but if I did, and it had an article about the ridiculous lengths women will go to in order to convince you they are hotter than they are, I would tell you about it. So I am. They even go so far as to boldly state that Jessica Simpson wore butt inserts to fill out her ‘daisy dukes.’ We have discussed it here before and determined she was the wrong person to be Daisy Duke anyway but let’s revisit it again.

Look at the girl on the left and then look at Jessica Simpson on the right and you decide:

And she’s just some girl I met last weekend at a Bolivian porno shoot. I can’t even remember her name so imagine if I was really trying to find a hot girl to wear a pair of shorts.