I’m taking a moment away from crafting “Journey To The Center Of The Uterus”, my opus on reproduction and culture, to discuss something of equal import - namely, orgasms.

It will shock you to know this, but nearly 50% of British women don’t have orgasms. Are they frigid? No, not at all, as my 1999 layover at Heathrow can attest. Science funding is the issue, as we shall see.

As we have discussed in articles like Science Wants To Give You Better Orgasms and Would Female Orgasms Kill Men?, (1) orgasms are tricky business but scientists know what they are doing. Fewer scientists means fewer orgasms. Britain is in the throes of a science funding meltdown so the problem for British women will only get worse. With fewer scientists there can be fewer studies on important stuff like this.

What are we talking about?


To celebrate National Orgasm Day on July 31, concerned groups have been conducting a survey on female orgasms - and the results are not good. A ghastly 46% have rare orgasms or none at all. Now, if you’re a man, you can explain this. Women get to wake up every day and decide if they want to have sex or not, and since this power is both arbitrary and awesome, women tend to withhold it and conduct their own sociological experiments.

So when men are finally given this gift, the sex will not last a long time. It’s simple physiology. This vicious circle is then perpetuated because women are even less interested in sex.

Along with orgasms, you can thank science for Cindy McCain’s breasts, seen here insuring the election of Jon Kyl. I have asked for a Constitutional Amendment to allow me to vote for Barack Obama as President and Cindy McCain as First Lady because, let’s face it, Obama’s wife is going to be a real crazy-lady, angry black chick detriment to us on the world stage while we never know if John McCain is going to nap through an important 3PM meeting or something.

What about women who might like more sex if they enjoyed it more? The issue seems to be the ‘pelvic floor.’ Arnold Kegel published a 3,000-patient study in 1952 that highlighted the link between this ‘pelvic floor’ and said that ’sexually dysfunctional’ women could achieve orgasm by isolating the vaginal (pubococcygeal) muscle and exercising it properly.

Now there is a vaginal exercise named after him, which is something even I have never achieved.

Oops. For those of you a tad younger, this picture of Meghan McCain might make the point more clearly than Cindy did.

Men, of course, are generally confused by this orgasm issue, since we can pretty much have an orgasm thinking about anything or anyone, including Margaret Thatcher. For some of us, especially Margaret Thatcher. This is why we need to fund more scientists in the UK. Women need more orgasms and men need to understand women.

So, Britain, privatize your National Health Services and cut the welfare - tell those people in Manchester the steel industry is never coming back so they should get other jobs. Then you could put money toward science studies that really count, like this.

After all, this is not a gender-specific issue. Having British women famous for lack of orgasms really doesn’t make the men there look all that great either.

NOTES:

(1) And The Science of Orgasms and A Physicists Guide To Relationship Advice and, really, too many others to count.