You can get Jessica. You just need strategic help from a scientist

Scientists have provided a lot of answers for humanity - the nature of gravity, the shape of the world, how to put unusually large breasts on small, thin women.

But It may surprise you to learn, because you are used to me being a science guru and, on occasion, a Formula One race car driver who solves mysteries on TV, that some scientists are also experts on relationships.

Not my own, of course. I mean I am an expert on your relationships.

One of the many gifts science has given you

I know women can be confusing at times. Not full-on confusion, like how Nicole Kidman can get married in the Catholic Church after being married to a Scientologist for 11 years but instead that mild sort of confusion that makes me wonder if I can get a whole post of relationship advice without getting bogged down ( blogged down?) in a mess of tables and diagrams.

But I think I have done it. So here it is, still in time for your weekend; an easy to follow guide to understanding women. It’s like a taxonomy key, only not really, but somewhere in these questions you should figure out which woman is right for you:

Does she drink Shiner Bock? If the answer is YES, it means she is from Texas and can shuck a crawdad for you in under 3 seconds. Ask her on a date because Texas women can endure anything. If the answer is NO, go to IS SHE A REPUBLICAN?

Sometimes it’s okay to mess with Texas

Did you meet her in a Farmer’s Market? If the answer is yes, you are in LA. So she doesn’t find it odd if you spend more on waxes than her and have better shoes. If the answer is NO, what are you doing at a Farmer’s Market? And go to CAN SHE BAKE A PIE?

Does she have a great butt? If the answer is YES she is from Bulgaria, home of the hottest non-blonde women per capita on planet Earth. If the answer is NO, why are you talking to her? Have you ever been comforted when a friend setting you up with a girl issues forth the statement, “She has really pretty eyes”? No, I didn’t think so. And go to DOES SHE LISTEN TO DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS?

Does she know what a Superdawg is? If the answer is YES, you are in Chicago. There will always be cheap beer at her place. She also won’t mind if you pull out your thing in the cab ride back from dinner. If the answer is NO, fly to Chicago.

Is she a Republican? If the answer is YES, she won’t cry about the woman she is devastating by sleeping with you. If the answer is NO, get thee to a Red state and find one. And tell Ann Coulter I said hello. I kinda miss her.

Does she listen to Drive-By Truckers? If the answer is YES, she is so dirty you don’t have to ask how many piercings she has as an indicator of where she will let you put it. If the answer is NO, a lack of a great ass and no freaky business means you are destined to watch Cinemax on Fridays for the foreseeable future.

Can she bake a pie? If the answer is YES, she is from Colorado. Marry the girl, because pie crusts are a b&%ch. If the answer is NO, two cups of flour, some salt, a cup of butter, a little bit of water, mix it all up, roll it out and then put it in a pie tin because only Colorado women will put up with your crap and you’re destined to die alone.

I hope this has helped you in your quest for the perfect woman but on further reflection, generally speaking, you’re better off leaving the difficult relationship cases for actual scientists. We’re like Air Traffic Control for crazy women - we don’t care which airline they are, we just want to make sure we all land safely.

Further relationship reading:

Mens Guide To Dating A Geek Girl

Want Men To Understand Your Relationship? Make A Card Game Out Of It

Can’t Get A Date? Science Has The Answer

Science Detemines The Discovery Channel Is Bad For Your Relationships