I’ve done acupressure for over 20 years. Not because I am some wussified New Age guy who cites Three Men And A Baby as his favorite movie but because it works. I have taken aspirin maybe once in that time for a headache.I didn’t learn it from an ancient Chinese guru, I learned it by reading a book.

When you are a young guy, you are just reading for knowledge and you can learn lots of interesting things by reading books. The one interesting - and important - thing you could not learn through reading was about relationships.

Until now.

Let’s face it, you could read until the skin on your fingers peeled off and you were never going to be able to understand why, when a women spends two hours telling you about a problem at work, the last thing she wants is for you to give her a solution to the problem.

To men this makes no sense but we had to learn to accept the oddness of women because the only alternative was to imagine looking at some guy’s hairy ass and saying, “I gotta get me some of that.” * Yeah, you see the problem.But science is here to help, my friends, and I will do it through Chinese medicine. And card games.You see, I could write a whole book on relationships and I could even make it simple and list the points in numerical order, with things like:

1. You’ll probably never know how many guys she’s slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.

and

2. Let her beat you at something once in a while - poker, chess, whatever — and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

and men still wouldn’t get it. They would just laugh and forward it to their friends in complete violation of my copyright. But I think I have discovered how to make men understand:

Make a card game out of it.

Men can learn games like nobody’s business and card games even easier. I know seven year olds who can recite all 75 Pokemon characters including their elaborate relationships, special abilities and killer effects on other characters, but if I ask one of those lads about women he will just scowl and say, “Girls are icky.”

But I bet if I made it a game he could make any scientist proud. So I thought about it, and hit on this Chinese medicine idea again, and suddenly it came to me that Chinese men 2500 years ago really knew their stuff because relationships, like medicine, are elemental. We just didn’t know how to interpret this elemental Chinese stuff in valuable ways, like dealing with women, until I came along.

Say, for example, you are Yin and she is Yang. Each of you have five elements and each element has a matrix for their seasons, their colors, and their emotions. Then put it on playing cards. You get the idea. Of course, for men to understand relationships, there has to be a way to win, so I created a generating sequence and a resolution sequence to allow you to make progress with the cards you get.

So, furthering the example, if you get the right cards you can either create something new, like for you, or destroy something of hers. Want to build a nice Wood state of harmony with your cards? You can do that. Want to destroy her angry Fire element? You can do that too. It’s all about building good things and destroying bad things in the relationship.

Okay, now for the specifics and I’ll even include the cards so you can print them off:

( Rest deleted by me, because I took one look at this and decided we are going to make this game. He’s not right often. Actually, he is only right when I tell him he is right, but he is right this time - Lady Scientist )

So there you go. Want to decide where to go out to dinner? Game her for it. He’s not willing to believe he looks ridiculous in that sports jersey? Game him for it. Almost any important decision can be determined in a way that makes complete sense to both sexes.

Love is a game anyway, right? Well, I just provided a way for both of you to win.

*Not that there’s anything wrong with that.