It’s no secret what makes the world go round; it’s not money or politics or governments. It’s vaginas. Sure, we can pretend that men run things and women can pretend that men run things by griping about a glass ceiling or whatever, but scientists know the truth.

And it’s not enough that women have all the advantages in life - never having to hit on girls in bars at 2AM, having doors opened for them, getting to date scientists - no, now women have conscripted evolution to help maintain their world domination.

I picked up this month’s issue of ESQUIRE, partly because IEEE SPECTRUM was on my nerves ( we’ll get to that later this week ) but mostly to find out who the ‘Sexiest Woman Alive’ is and to be baffled why 2006 fashionistas think that men want to wear pants that are too short combined with suit jackets that are too tight.

And there it is: “What It Feels Like… To Have Two Vaginas.”

At first I was like, ‘Whatever - getting multiple vaginas happens every other weekend when you’re a scientist’ but I still glanced at it. Turns out the article isn’t about an orgy of unprotected sex with cocaine-fueled supermodels at all. The girl has two vaginas. First things first, I demanded Fernanda Tavares submit to an inspection. I don’t like being the last to know:

Nope, not her. Okay, let me preface things by saying the word ‘vagina’ itself makes me laugh - mostly because I have never heard a woman use it. I have heard women refer to their vaginas on far too many occasions but they always use some other term and one of the terms they use is either offensive ( my official position ) or sexy as hell ( you do the math ) so I like to use the word ‘vagina’ because, to me, it’s just much funnier that way.

But the girl in this article isn’t kidding. Sure, we had heard of this phenomenon but I assumed it was like a Unicorn or Paris Hilton only having sex with two men in her life - stories that are only believed by kids and reporters.

But she apparently does have two of them and, because she has two, she has two periods and she even lost her virginity twice - worse, she beats me to the joke about not saving at least one of them for marriage.

Okay, sure it’s interesting, you are thinking, but how is it worthy of science’s most important blogger?

Because, my male friends, two vaginas seals our doom. In a perfect world there would be three women for every man - I’d be getting me some pies baked then I can tell you - but the world isn’t perfect. Without numerical superiority, men are at a disadvantage because we lack a vagina … and thus we are always trying to get them. To wit:

Trojan War? Helen of Troy had apparently the greatest vagina ever.
Christianity? I can’t make jokes about the Virgin Mary or I will go to Hell but most of you are probably going anyway, so you can do it yourself; Immaculate V—-A.
Discovery of America? Queen of Spain’s vagina.
Renaissance? Mona Lisa’s vagina.
Psychoanalysis? Freud’s mom’s vagina.
Atomic Power? Pick a vagina and apparently Einstein had it.

I could go on. So now instead of there almost being a sporting chance … a guy wins, he gets a vagina … women are using evolution to gain even more advantages. Because as they continue to evolve, women can then allocate a man to each vagina.

What’s next? Then I’ll be having to bake the pies.

That’s it, I am writing me a letter to Congress before this gets out of hand.