Want To Have A Beautiful Daughter? Nail A Scientist
Everyone wants a beautiful daughter. In fact, that topic came up last week. Someone asked me how things had changed since I hit the big 4-0 and I said, “I’m going to meet someone my own age, and she’s going to be smart and beautiful - and I’m going to date her daughter.”
How do I meet Alessandra Ambrosio’s mother anyway?
It’s important that I impregnate a stunningly beautiful woman because this study says that the prettier you are, the more likely it is you will give birth to a girl. It’s probably sheer coincidence that in seven generations off the boat from Scotland, my family has never given birth to a girl but I feel like I need to tweak the odds. Because, you know, I am the only scientist.
According to those findings, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn’t have much choice at all in the sex of their kid. Not having a boy didn’t hurt Brad’s feelings, though, since he witnessed the Messiah issuing forth from Angelina’s vagina.
I thought only Italians had that religious fixation; you know, because all Italian men think their mothers had a virgin birth and all Italian women think their son is God. Regular men just have the madonna/whore fixation. And when we say ‘whore’ we don’t mean Uma Thurman-style attention whore. Is this girl ever in an interview where she isn’t talking about how ugly she is? I liked her better when she stated she would date just about anyone and wore clothes like this:
There’s only room for one attention whore in any family of mine, I will tell you that. But we’ll give Uma a pass this time because she is six feet tall and only weighs 130 lbs, which means we can toss her around the kitchen like a Krispy Kreme box.
Also, please welcome a new honorary member to the world of science: Owen Wilson. Responding to Steely Dan’s claims that he based his new movie character on a song of theirs, Wilson said this: “I have never heard the song `Cousin Dupree’ and I don’t even know who this gentleman, Mr. Steely Dan, is. I hope this helps to clear things up and I can get back to concentrating on my new movie, `HEY 19.’”
So, welcome Owen. Because science needs more humor. I can’t carry this load all by myself.
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This entry was posted on Monday, July 31st, 2006 at 7:39 am and is filed under humor, science. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
