July 7th, 2006

Your Science News For Friday

Ozzie Osbourne was not home when Satan came to collect – you didn’t think his puzzling success for 3.5 decades had to do with musical ability, did you? Luckily, Ozzie’s brain is so addled even he didn’t know where he was so Satan missed him and burned down his mansion instead.

Satan is scary. So scary, in fact, that some girls get their tops scared right off of them. Look for my video, “Girls So Scared Their Tops Come Right Off Of Them” in September, 2006.

Naturally, when the video comes out, they will lie to their future boyfriends about being in it. Just like lots of people who claim to be virgins lie about having sex. Generally, scientists are okay with lying – but only when we’re the ones doing it.

Speaking of lying, I have a complaint. Most of you lie about how much you like scientists. How do I know? Because this list of the 50 most popular science blogs does not include mine. Get thee to thy templates and place a link to me, people. Science needs more humor and 43 of the 50 on this list are about environmental junk science – B.O.R.I.N.G. You can Blogroll me also. But Technorati seems to be biased toward links. Bastards.

What am I excited about this weekend? I ordered two sets of soy-sauce-dispensing chopsticks. Because chicks dig gadgets. And I won’t dig cleaning dishes after I dropped $50 on sushi for a chick I met this week on Myspace. Her name is Natalia, which happens to be the same name these girls use to rob guys they meet on Myspace, but I bet that’s just coincidence. I hope she doesn’t turn out to be 15, like the last one. Again with the lying on the internet. Don’t these people read my blog?

In a few days we bid farewell to the World Cup. So no more women who dress like this:

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

The World Cup hasn’t been the big bonanza for brothels they thought it would be. That’s because the brothels have mostly German women, of course. And no one can understand these signs:

Finally, fellow scientists have discovered a mystery object in the heart of a supernova. Know what it is? It’s L-O-V-E, people. So share the love. You can start with me – by putting me in the top 50 science blogs.

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