In Part 1, we talked about Christina Aguilera marrying a guy so ugly that even with my five medical degrees I can’t figure out what’s wrong with his face. In Part 2 we discussed Evangline Lilly getting engaged to a Hobbit, Part 3 had us trying to figure out how the druggie from Friends was nailing Piper Perabo and Part 4 has us back to Christina because she looked even hotter and he looked even sillier next to her.
Those were all outrageous examples of well-meaning women not caring enough about the looks of their men - and we want to discourage that kind of shallow thinking - but David Spade and Heather Locklear is some sort of higher level of insanity.
At first I thought this was some kind of cruel joke, because God is sort of funny like that. That’s why I am also predicting the child of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will come out looking like Quasimodo:
Yes, I am predicting he will look like an actual cartoon character. The scepter and crown will just be overkill, of course.
So what is the story behind this Spade-Locklear pairing anyway? Is a sense of humor really all that much of a deal maker? If so, why aren’t Rocio Guario Diaz, Monica Bellucci and that chick from Grey’s Anatomy knocking on my door right now to ask me for an orgy of unprotected sex?
To find out the answer, I call Tera. She has dated plenty of ugly guys.
“Hey f–ktoy,” I say, “What are you doing?”
“Brooke and I are standing around while they block the lighting for a photo shoot. What’s up?”
“I’ll be brief. Most important quality in a man if he can’t be handsome; good body, makes you laugh or cocaine.”
“Sense of humor, definitely,” she says, “Young girls like idiots who pretend to be all bad but anyone over 25 definitely likes well-adjusted guys with jobs that can also bring the freaky sex. Why do you ask? You’ll never get over me, you know that.”
“No one. It’s for my blog.”
“Oh Christ. If I show up in that again I am killing you.”
“You’re an exhibitionist but you’re worried about being on my blog??? Hey, do me a favor. Since you have a photgrapher there, write “I Love ME=MC^2″ on a piece of paper and send it to me.”
“I’ll never remember how to make that math sign you use. And why I am supposed to be in love with your license plate?”
“Just do it.”
“I can’t do that. The last time I flirted with you Lady Scientist pulled my hair and made me cry.”
“Well, you probably needed to tone it down from jokes like “Hey Cash, remember that time I got you off while we were cruising Interstate 80?” But I see your point. Tell Brooke to do it then.”
“Okay, I will ask.”
“Tell her there’s an orange smoothie it it for her.”
“Should I tell her what getting that smoothie involves? And you have to tell everyone to buy my FHM magazine and read my article on making home pornos.”
“Done.”
A day later I got this in my email. I’m no David Spade but at least I am funny enough to have friends, you know?
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This entry was posted on Friday, April 28th, 2006 at 9:29 pm and is filed under science. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
April 12th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
[...] Why bring this up? Because one of the science groupies in blogdom who lurk without commenting wrote me an email poem which quite cleverly referenced the whole David Spade/Heather Locklear madness of the same week. There is no more fitting allegory for Betty and Veronica than Heather Locklear and Denise Richards, which is why this parable needs two parts. The question via poem goes: [...]
June 27th, 2007 at 9:52 am
Thanks for this site!
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